Between A Rock and A Hard Place

I hate to drone on and on in this thing about the pathetic pondering that dominates my mind these days. It makes me seem depressed. I don't think I'm depressed...maybe I am.

My dad always used to say my mom was never happy where she was at. She lived one place and wished she was in another. But when they moved to that other place, she was just as unhappy to be there, if not more.

What if it's not that one just can't be happy where they are, but simply that where they are is just not where they want to be? It's getting away from what they really hate and settling for something they can just barely tolerate. It's just the only viable alternative because of any amount of factors--age, where you are in life, money, anything.

And maybe it isn't the place, but the people and the things we surround ourselves with.

As friends, the four of us always found a way to have fun, even when we were underage in a city where everything "fun" required a certain age. We could make a good time of a night driving around blaring an ipod. They're all going to party it up in the capital this weekend and I wish I could drive there and meet them.

this ends abruptly but I had to leave suddenly while typing it, then I lost the feeling for this entry. NEXT!

Watching the World Spin

Are your relationships and experiences the most important thing in life?



21 years is a quarter of my life gone by. It seems so long, and yet so short at the same time. Thinking about being 40 seems far away, and remembering the past few years seems so recent. I realize it's merely because I don't know what the next 20 years holds and I'm at this very moment utilizing things I've learned from the past 20.
Last night a guy I used to date and I were talking about Summer the way it used to be. Dangerous ground to touch on with us, because it was during a Summer that we got together. It got me thinking about how I think Summer should be.

As a child, summer was anticipated because it meant no school and plenty of swimming
But inevitably everyone would be bored and ready for school to start after 3 weeks of summer because sitting at home watching t.v. all day is never a child's idea of excitement.

I was trying to think of when this would change for me, and it was--of course- when we all started driving. Summer morphed into a time of constant lounging with friends, movies, the mall--and any and every trouble that we could get in and out of.

Any memorable high school summer memory for me usually includes about 10 of the same old regular kids getting together. One of the guys, B, had the perfect house for gatherings, because it included a movie room, a game room, a pool, and a mother who cooked for everyone all the time. A typical night usually included everyone meeting up at his house and swimming, playing poker, and eating. The night would end with all of us laying upstairs in the movie room talking and laughing. The sad thing about all of those memories is that soon after 'the group' graduated, this guy's parents split up, sold the house we pretty much grew up in, and made things awkward for everyone. I say awkward because the entire group found out they were splitting up at a New Years Eve party our last year there. wow.
Then senior year a select number of the group including myself wanted to branch out and try anything and everything that would get us out of that popular group where everyone is involved in every high school activity possible but it works because they were all friends anyway. See I went to an honors high school. You were a loser if you weren't involved. So you take 2 honors society officers, one drum major, the school mascots, the rebellious sister of the previously mentioned B, and some guys, and the rebellion begins. You name it we tried it. Even a few run ins with the cops. That last summer was like THE last summer. Everyone was still together, we had reached the end of a huge step in life, and we didn't care what anyone thought.


Anyone that tells you that ages 16-18 were the worst time in their life--I really have to disagree. Go back, never. But the experience is necessary.

Summers these past few years have been transitional ones. We're trying to grow up, or we're being forced to pretend we are at least. The first summer after high school was rough for the entire group. Three friends were killed in a horrible car accident, and one was murdered by his father. Death wasn't something we were used to experiencing, discounting the elderly. For most of us, it was a summer of trying hard to live dangerously because we had come face to face with mortality. I think we all spent more time blazed that year as an anti-depressant rather than as a social party time. I have to talk about this as if it were longer ago than 2 or 3 years because it's still influencing me and people I am close to.

Now? We all work somewhere, we're all living in scattered areas, and we all miss the way things were, but we're equally excited for what's to come. Seeing each other the few times that we can seems to make those meetings more important. The girls and I discussed how different we knew this summer apart would be, working through the week and anticipating the next weekend we could get together and feel at home again. Now it's less partying and large groups and more just us--laying in a park, laughing in a car in our old high school parking lot until the cops come and make us leave, or just chilling at a jazz concert. The college atmosphere opens many other doors for summer activity as well. Seeing each other is becoming less of a summer thing and more of a anytime we see each other thing.
Soon summers will be nothing more than hot weather, and two week vacations. It's funny that all through school we hope wait and wish for time to pass and once it has we look back and think "Damn, why did I rush that?" But I am excited for what future summers hold.


wow so much writing here!
21 years is a quarter of a lifetime...

Selling of a loose knit dream

A good weekend with good friends leaves Em a happy girl!

It was a good weekend. A chance to relax for two days and forget about work.
Shopping, Good Conversation, Good Laughs, Drive-Ins, Movies, Dinners, swimming, running, catching, knitting, playing, driving, resting-- ALL FANTASTIC
I haven't laughed that hard all summer.
Being here and sort of socially cut off from even my best friends has been unique but difficult.
6 more weeks and I can go back for good.
It was what I needed to allow myself to say "It's okay to let go and give up."
I'm just tired. It's not worth the wonder and confusion anymore. To watch someone treat me completely different from what I'm used to is insane. I feel like if I'm going to try and take things in life less seriously, this is a major step. It'll work itself out eventually.
I'm going to step back, concentrate on other things and do what I'm supposed to be doing. And I feel fine about it!