Don't Say You'll Never

Is it normal for a new blogger to start out quite modestly when it comes to sharing?

Looking back on old posts I see painstakingly written entries that try their best to be as vague as humanly possible. But as time goes on, they begin to really loosen up. I begin to really share truly intimate feelings with who? My computer screen as far as I know. I always just thought this would be a good place to put my thoughts and pictures and opinions on popular culture. Nothing really so much public as just a place for me to be able to say what I wanted about anything at all without being judged or corrected.

And now I worry about 'over'-sharing. I put down private thoughts about relationships and pain I feel without really knowing who reads this sucker. I do the judging and the correcting--of others I interact with and of things I observe. What if I'm losing the ability to say something to someone's face, or even more so, the ability to linger on deeper thoughts without reminding myself to blog about them?

You never see things like this as a problem until someone you would rather didn't know everything about you, finds it out. Not that anyone has or I really care all that much personally, but I do care about the way others might feel, especially if I'm hurting them.

I'm going to experiment with being a little less emotionally personal on certain levels and see if I can get something intellectual out of my writing for a little while. We'll see how this goes...

Just Put It On Shuffle

I hate the way break ups ruin your entire musical library but at the same time, recreate them in an entirely new and different way.

It's not just a few songs. It's every single song that played any time anything even seemingly significant happens. I can't listen to any of my playlists anymore. And when I shuffle, I run the risk of hitting that one song that has just enough sentiment and meaning to push me to tears.

The power that music has in connection with memory is striking. I'll hear a song from years ago, remembering the way I used to play the song over and over, memorizing the words, burning my emotions and mental state into every verse. Once, (this is the nerdiest example I've ever cited) I listened to a song on repeat while I read Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, and today, when I hear the song, I feel the way I felt reading that book.

So sometimes, you have to abandon songs for a while. I always know that someday I will be able to hear these songs again, and remember how they felt, and not hurt. These songs are to an emotional eruption are like when you put hydrogen peroxide on a cut. It burns so damn badly, but you know it's cleansing the wound. So if you're into self punishment, you make a playlist of only those songs and tune in for some abuse.

Sometimes, very rarely, I completely cut the song out of my life. I hear it, remember loving it, and have no interest in it whatsoever. It's been long enough not to wince at the opening chords, but also long enough not to like the song anymore either.

During this time of destruction of an itunes library and an entire top 25, I always look for new music, and even resurrect some oldies. I need to have music in my ears, so I adjust my tunes to my lifestyle. Doesn't everyone?

I found this site today, where individuals can post a mix tape that an ex made them back when they were together, and then tell the story of the relationship and the power the mix tape held for them. You can even listen to the tapes right there.

http://www.cassettefrommyex.com/

Be Careful What You Hope and You Pray For...

I got exactly what I wanted

why does it still hurt so badly?

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!