The Office I guess in the show, Jim ends up with Pam, but in real life, he is with Rashida Jones, who plays Karen.
I feel kind of odd, because while I love Pam's character, something in me is satisfied that John Krasinki is dating this other girl in real life. He and Rashida had wonderful chemistry.
Usually, I'm a movie girl. TV is just something to watch when you're bored or just lazy. There are very few shows I'll watch at the network scheduled time, or uh--during prime time. But with The Office and Project Runway, I wait for them to come on.
On the surface, you think of Christmas as a time for family to get together and share in the warmth and love of the spirit of the season. Without fail, I look forward to Christmas every single year for this reason. I love the cold weather, the big coats, the smell of the fireplace, the lights, and the family all gathered together.
Or do I simply like the idea of Christmas?
Because cut to the real scenario. You rush around trying to buy gifts that people may or may not like, you rush around to cook, and get dressed and meet family. By the time you get to relax it's time to move on to the next location and before you know it the holiday is over. A house full of people makes for claustrophobia, and an extra warm house filled with people makes for anxiety. Add in a few screaming children darting all over the house, too much food and a little too much eggnog and you've got a family gathering.
No matter what I expect every year, I can usually count on having my appearance and relationship status being critiqued by the older women, being ignored by all the men, and having at least to children attached to my leg. Family will tell you they only criticize you because They're family, and are the truly honest ones whose opinions matter most. Let me tell you. If I come home for Christmas feeling the best I've ever felt in my life, looking the best I've ever looked, your negative opinion about my appearance doesn't phase me. I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of whether or not you think it matches my skin tone or will attract the right man. But it also gets underneath my skin in a way I can't explain. Relatives do this because they know that you can't argue back and embarrass them and yourself in front of the entire family. So you just take it.
And you will take it, because they're the only family you get. In the end the new year will come and go, and when December comes again, the fiasco of the previous year is forgotten and you look forward to the holiday.
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
It would seem that being home from school always provokes thoughts and wonderment that I never experience while busy at school.
I guess my girlfriends from high school push me to ask questions and think about the most random things.
Last night K and I had a mini argument that got me going. So now I will get some of it down here.
I think that each individual's chosen profession has a lot of ties to their choices in political belief.
I see things one way, my friends see it another.
To an extent I believe that when America accepted its super power role, it incurred several inherent responsibilities as well. One of those responsibilities is maintaining that high status role. To me, it's logical to think that if America were to lessen it's grip on this power and 'soften' its principles, it would be susceptible to the whims of every single country that ever hated us or resented us. We do business. It may not be pretty, and sometimes it isn't right, but its what we bring upon ourselves. Some people think that if we were to relinquish some power and just help everyone and spew rainbows and sunshine, the whole world would be at peace. To think that countries that hate every single aspect of America and its people wouldn't take advantage of an American downfall is ludicrous and naive. I know it's not that simple. Not only that but believing that change comes anything but slow is extremely ignorant and foolish. If you need some sort of example, I'll go ahead and go with the race issue. The 13th, 14th, and 15th were set in the 1800s, and no real, significant progress was made until the 60s. There are still countless problems remaining today. If you can't deduce that change is possible but SLOW, than you need to look back in history all together. I don't say that world peace wouldn't be fabulous, but the probability of it being attained EVER is slim.
My friends that believe these things also think that their style and thought process is original. Excuse me while I broadcast this NEWSFLASH, but as you buy your clothes from some huge chain store, drink coffee from Starbucks, and listen to your 'original' music, there is a team of people sitting in an office figuring out exactly how to advertise products and make all of these things appeal to YOU. You are getting a standard education and are probably the standard college student. You think that your extreme environmentalism and your philanthropy and anti-establishment views make you one-of-a-kind? You're in the midst of this generation of 20-somethings so desperate for an identity in society that they draw concepts from previous generations and think of it as some kind of rebellion. Your art, your music, your clothing style--you didn't just wake up with this BRAND new idea, they all derive from your experiences, influences, and knowledge. You got all that from somewhere. I'm not saying people don't have a distinct style compatible with their personalities.
And on top of all of this, most of what you have was given to you without problem, and the rebellion you promote is allowed because you live here. In a country that tells you you're special. If I'm right, falling for all of that bullshit shows a necessity for some personal examination and some cultural study. Get a grip. Maybe I'm just cynical. Maybe I've just grown more than my girl friends, and in a different direction. Maybe they're right. Maybe hoping for something like world peace and an amicable globe is better. ha. My opinion could change 12 times.
It's not that I don't have a style, ideals, hopes, or dreams myself--I am just trying to be a little realistic.
I've finished every final except for my photography final. Today I turned in my Bones, Beetles, Birds final project. It's not as good as it could have been but I stayed up all night last night completing it.
We were allowed to draw any living organism that interested us. I chose the Maple Tree. My obsession with trees is ever present. I don't know what it is, they just make me feel alive. I chose Maple because my four girlfriends from home and have different trees--I'm Maple, and the others are Olive, Magnolia, and Willow. If you know these girls you'd be able to place the tree with the girl. Here is the final product; I colored the one I turned in.
I also received my portrait slides back from my photography professor. I did well!
these are the examples I was able to get using my scanner, so they are shitty. but examples nonetheless
I am finished with my media plan! The advertising project I have spent weeks working on is finally turned in!! It's quite a weight off my shoulders. I spent an entire weekend in the library. Before this semester I had never been to the library on a Saturday before. I was there until close. They kicked me out. This is the most significant thing I've done in college so far, and as difficult and time consuming as it was, I actually enjoyed it!
This day was filled with a whole lot of lazy. Except, my roommates and I decorated the apartment today. My roommate Jo and I went to Big Lots and Hobby Lobby and purchased decorations and crafts for our party this weekend. There are three Christmas trees, lights everywhere, and presents under the tree. It's the most light we've ever had in the living room, it's borderline Griswold. The whole place is warm and lovely.
An aside: I used to hate the word lovely. My mother used to used it when she thought I looked terrible by saying "My, you're looking lovely today." I have blocked out her opinion and really enjoy the word lovely. There is something old and beautiful about it.
that's all.
This project has isolated me from a lot of people for a little while, but I really don't mind it. I felt like our group was going to do something epic together this semester. But it just hasn't ended up happening. There have been injuries, and arguments, but mainly--everyone's schedules are too busy. There is always hope for the spring!!! I am not giving up yet, I mean the fall has football season, and that took up a lot of weekend time...maybe injuries will be better and we can bowl and have a grand old time when we're snowed in every weekend next semester. I miss everyone.
Let me tell you about one of the most fucking exhilarating experiences of my life!!!!!
It's Nov. 17, 2007. Day of the OU vs. Tech game at 7 p.m. at Jones Stadium.
The Texas Tech football team was coming home after three rough losses to Texas, Missouri and Colorado. Number 4 Oklahoma University was vying for the Big 12 championship, and a possible national championship.
The odds weren't looking good for Texas Tech, but then again, this is the same team that made the greatest comeback in bowl history last year. According to CBS sports online, Tech rallied from a 31 point deficit to win 44-41 in 2006 against the Minnesota Golden Gophers.
Em a junior advertising major from Texas said she thought it would be just another disappointing loss for Texas Tech.
"I was so confident we would lose that I didn't even go to the first quarter of the game," Em said. "But then I saw on TV that Tech was winning, and I rushed out my door toward the stadium."
Em said her friends and roommates had been at the game since 4 p.m. and were on the front row. She met them there.
It was a long game, one tech student estimated that the first quarter alone lasted over an hour. Yet, with Oklahoma University's starring quarterback out with a concussion, it was also a promising one for the Texas Tech team.
Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell scored the first touchdown, starting a wild fire for Tech. The half ended with a 27-7 tech lead.
During the fourth quarter, the OU offense began to show signs of life. This worried many Tech fans, they thought Tech might lose in the last few minutes.
With less than half a minute left in the game and the score 34-27, Tech recovered an onside kick for the win.
Soon after, Tech fans rushed the field, thrilled by the upset of the No. 4 team, OU.
I was in the front row!!! When there were about three minutes left in the game we all started to get pretty nervous because we knew we wanted to rush the field but the stadium sent a TON of state troopers and policemen out to line up around the field.
There were these hilarious guys behind us yelling to the cops things like: "I can out-run all of you mother fuckers, so get ready!!!" and "All right get ready, we're going to have to run."
With about 30 seconds left in the game everyone started to swing their knees up over the railing. We were warned several times to get back, but once Graham Harrell took a knee, all hell broke loose.
1I swung over the railing and jumped down to the field and began to run. I felt someone grab my hoodie, but kicked it off and ran for my life to the center of the field. I was met by other Tech students, showering the football team with praises and high fives. At one point it felt just like you hear in the news, crowds get too packed together and someone gets crushed. My ribs felt like they were going to explode but I was so happy to be there with the team and all of the fans.
Some fans lifted Graham up into the air, where he gave everyone high fives. The band began to play The Matador Song and every single out of breath student began to bellow the words.
When this ended everyone began to walk back toward the stands, where people waited to help everyone up.
Things I found out later:
The cops were tackling people left and right, some even got beat up.
The person pulling on my shirt was Katy, she had fallen while jumping from the railing. I thought it was a cop and was like "Fuck you, I'm gone!"
Graham Harrell ate at Whataburger with us later that night. Goddamn, I will forever be able to say I ate dinner with him. (Side Story that I find culturally interesting: Clint was in line at Whataburger and saw that someone had cut in front of him. He turned around to be like "What the fuck asshole!?" and it was Graham Harrell, so he graciously let it slide.)
If I hadn't gone to the game, I would have shot myself.
This was the single best game I've ever been to in my life. Now if we could only beat Texas...
Some days I feel like the only thing that will understand me is the memory foam on my mattress, and some days I feel like little sparks of electricity of running through my veins, like I might never sleep again, and don't have to!
It's such a crap shoot. It does not necessarily depend on whether my day was good or not, I just never know.
Today is an electric day. I feel it all over. Maybe it's just the cold, bitter wind. Seriously though, so many people dog on this city; they just don't see all the beautiful things I do. Sure some might call it plain, but the sun sets are to die for. The campus is gorgeous. There are quaint areas all over town, there are gorgeous places to stumble upon. It's not just about the wind and the tumbleweeds. Although those are the worst qualities this town features. Then again my friend tells me I see beauty in ways others can't. What a compliment :)
A friend of mine bet me I couldn't not talk to him for a week. I resented it. Granted, I talk a lot. I love to talk, I have a lot to say, and I'm funny. But of course I couldn't do it, we're too involved in one another's lives. Project Runway started tonight!!! It's going to be a fabulous season ya'll! haha. There is a guy that looks like Joey Fatone, and Keen Bean from Richie Rich, and then some super super homosexual men, but hey that's style.
Back to the stacks for me...me and my soul mate advertising... This shot makes me uncomfortable, like the stacks of the university library often do.
Today I walked home from class, and it was the most beautiful atmosphere I've walked through in Lubbock in a long time. The leaves were blowing from the trees toward me as I walked, the sun was setting and the weather was cool and perfect. The perfect college fall day.
I've been pushing myself harder than I ever have throughout college and I think my grades will be the lowest they've ever been.
I have been worked and worked these past few weeks. News interviews every single day, rushing to meet the deadlines, studying for exams, and working on this stupid Media Plan that I barely understand.
exhaustion.
I know I must look tired, but sometimes I get tired of being asked if I'm OK. One of my roommates is so motherly and so worried about everyone all the time, and I love her for it. At the same time, sometimes I want to scream things like "I came to college to get away from my mother!" or "Why don't you just let me be upset and stop trying to fix things!?!" Luckily I don't. When I'm cooking, I cook to take my mind off the other things I should be doing, so I really don't need anyone coming in to the kitchen trying to do it for me, or take over. I know her heart is in the right place. The thing is, if she would just relax and stop trying to fix things, maybe she could sleep better at night.
I'm ready to go home for some family time. I haven't been home at all this semester and am quite excited.
My brother has some girl after him and I have to go home and be protective haha.
I finished taking some portraits for a class this weekend. They turned out fabulous. I'm going to post a few when I get them printed from the slides. :)
Do you ever feel like there is no one out there like you? Studying Advertising really takes that belief out of me. Businesses rely on our similarities to advertise and sell the right product; they only use a small percentage of the entire population to base their methods upon. Do you believe there are about 10 other people out there feeling what you're feeling, buying what you're buying, listening to what you listen to, and working for the same goals? Odds are there are more than 10.
Sometimes I wonder what people would turn out like if they didn't have all the outside history and influences. Would racism still exist? Would it all just eventually turn out the same? Are we drawn to be a certain way? What if there were no one to teach you about wars, god, or popular culture? What would we be left with?
Yesterday was the big home game, Texas Tech vs. Texas A&M. We beat them 35-7!!!! Haha whoo. The Aggies think they have a rivalry with UT, and UT has a rivalry with OU, so we think we have one with them. But really it's just all about us kicking their asses from now on. We've won the past 6 years. So whoo. Last year we beat them with a touchdown pass in the last few seconds of the game in their homefield; they were bitter about this for an entire year. My best girl friends from high school are aggies and when I visited that was a big topic of conversation.
Then B took me to see Across the Universe, (meaning i had to beg him into it) and it was terrible. I had such high hopes for this movie, but the continuity was off and it was just bad. There were some 'trippy' scenes that should have just been left out of the film. The minute Bono came on-screen I was ready to leave the theater. Overall it was beautifully filmed and some of the scenes were nice, but ugh gross. The plot was horrible. Don't see this movie. B was right again as usual, but it was really kind of him to give in and take me.
But the Cowboys lost today. SAD. I'll consider it a superbowl preview, only with us winning next time.
My college friends and I were on a trip and we stopped at this old abandoned house to rest for the night. This house was huge and still completely furnished. We get inside and chill out but hear noises. We check around and see nothing, and go back to the kitchen. A huge spider starts to crawl down from the cabinets! Then there are spiders everywhere of every shape, size, and color. We begin slaughtering spiders left and right with anything we can find--lamps, tennis rackets, bats, pillows, our feet. We're confident we got them all. Then we run out in the backyard, which happened to be the backyard of my childhood home. We kill a few more spiders and find a dog, it was B's dog. This dog runs up to me and jumps on me and is licking and jumping at my left shoulder, over and over. So B pulls her off of me and I feel over my left shoulder and on my neck to see what it was so excited about. There were tons of tarantulas on my back! I kept reaching back, pulling out a new one and killing it and then finding more! It was nuts!!! Then I woke up.
Are you ready for some football?!!! I love me some Dallas Cowboys and Red Raiders! WHOOOOo
This weekend I went on a road-trip with my college friends to Ruidoso and White Sands, New Mexico.
There are some beautiful places here in the United States, even on this side of the map. I love the mountains. I love everything about them. Nothing can compare to the fresh air and natural atmosphere. 5 people from our usual gang made the journey, and we camped outside and explored and hiked and cooked s'mores.
I think that everyone had a good time and can't complain about how it all turned out.
Here are a few pictures from the adventure:
On the Road
White Sands Before
After
I love that these people are my friends. The group just fits now. I used to write often about how sometimes I felt like it was missing something, and it is-- but I realize that those things come with time and you can't dwell on that.
I hope for something epic next, like Colorado. We'll see.
On the way to New Mexico, there were just two of us to start. We played MASH to make the time pass. You know the game you played as kids where you map out your future based on chance? Great game. 5 hour trip. It's too bad we bitched and bickered like an old couple once we got there because it was getting dark and he's a man who only needs matches to camp and I'm a woman who thinks logically about necessary items such as a flashlight, or a cooler. We did eventually calm down and just talked in the dark tent while we waited. But that included him asking me why everyone thinks he's so judgmental. If the others hadn't gotten there, I am pretty sure one of us would have killed the other. Regardless, it was funny in retrospect.
ALSO. 2 weeks ago I went to atx for the Austin City Limits Music Festival (ACL). It was amazing. I fell in love with a few new bands, saw a ton of hippies and re-enforced my love for bands I liked pre-festival. Pictures are the best way to show this one--
School is chewing me up and spitting me out. I feel like time is flying by because the daily routine makes for less surprise than ever. So the updates will be less frequent.
I have a newswriting class that's going to kick my butt this semester. So many rules and regulations a journalist must follow on pain of losing their jobs over something as seemingly trivial as a spelling error. And the reading workload for this class is borderline ridiculous considering I do have other classes.
I can't complain too much though, overall I love my classes. My Advertising Media Planning class- I'd sit in that one all day if they allowed it. I leave feeling so confident about my choices and more excited about my future than usual. The prof's dry humor and sharp dress style keeps me awake to say the least. I actually go into the class completely prepared!
Then there is Marketing. There is a reason I'm and advertising major and not a marketing major. creativity is not the focus in Marketing. and also it is lame. I haven't been to that class at all this week. OOPS. And Photography. It's an intro class, which at the risk of sounding like a snob, has bored the hell out me so far. I should have been in the advanced class but I was lazy and apathetic last semester and didn't make an appointment with the dean as I should have. So i sit through and relearn everything I already know. This could be useful and help strengthen my technique--especially with a 35mm manual camera that I haven't used since high school. I absolutely love film, but digital has become my crutch. Last but not least my Honors seminar. Bones, Birds and Beetles. That's the title of the seminar. We go outside with binoculars and draw birds. I secretly LOVE the class. 3 weeks and I've already formed habit of looking at birds as I walk through campus. HUGE NERD.
This weekend I will be flying to the ATX for the Austin City Limits Music Festival. My excitement cannot be properly expressed here. But I will definitely post pictures upon my return!
I downloaded some new musicz last night-- stuff by Phoenix and Metric and Magnet. Apparently abstract, one word band names are in huh? It's kind of like that phase with bands starting with 'The', ie. the killers, the strokes etc. I know there are a ton more I just don't feel like thinking about them.
I am fresh back from my trip to College Station. I usually tell people that mention the place what a shitty town it is, mostly out of divine school spirit or whatever. This visit though, I realized the little town isn't so bad, but yeah it still sucks. Just because 3 of my best friends in high school were on drugs the day they chose to be Aggies doesn't mean I'm going to ever have anything but derogatory statements toward the school, it's creed and it's location. So I'm a bitch--go ahead and judge me :-)
Why is this? I found that my toleration for stupid or ignorant individuals is dwindling as I get older. In public school, you put up with idiots because you had to see them everyday and sometimes they taught your class. But listen! You have a choice! You don't have to sit through one more lousy conversation or explanation! It's gotten to the point where if I don't like you, or I think you're stupid-- I walk away. Chances are I'll meet an even bigger idiot up the road within minutes. Now some might say-- "Oh a&m just has a lot of school spirit, the idea that they are stupid is just a stereotype." Be that as it may, there are usually causes for the creation of stereotypes. My example for today is this. Whataburger. fabulous hamburger chain. It usually looks like this:
(If you're not from Texas or you don't know, there is a bitter rivalry between The University of Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M University Aggies. Much like the North and South in the days of civil war. Okay..so maybe nothing like that but you get the picture. UTs colors are burnt orange and white--much like the Whataburger franchises' traditional decor for each location.) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE people at a&m did to their Whataburger? They painted the front orange stripe maroon!!!! Not the whole building, just. one. stripe. So in a feeble attempt to out spirit UT, a&m successfully depicted their penis envy. 4 orange stripes next to a solitary maroon stripe. Good idea guys. Normal people might think this way: If you're not going to paint the whole building (which they probably couldn't because it's someone else's business), then don't paint it at all. You just come off looking like a douche. I tried to google an image of this hilarious Whataburger, but no dice. I'll be kicking myself for a while for not snapping a shot of it. We could blow it up and use it as a dart board in lbk.
Anyway. Contrary to the length of this entry, this was not the highlight of my weekend. I met all of M, G, and K's friends from school and enjoyed the big 4 day party. Everyone knows what happens at parties so I won't go into it--but I will post an image and let you imagine something good. haha I'm not in this so I don't feel bad about posting it. Shhh.
Countdown begins now. 13 days. I should start at 10, but I am too anxious to do that so 13 will have to do. IF I were really a pop culture freak I would be a creep and start at 7 days. It doesn't really matter though because I ended up typing it anyway. nerd. But "The Ring" was a horrible movie. I laughed several times.
One time I saw the words "Fuck Fuck You" scratched into a car. Someone was angry. Not just fuck you, but fuck fuck you. Do you ever resist the impulse to do something like that? You want someone to hear you loud and clear. I've got a playlist under the same title filled with songs that say what I wish I could scream sometimes. If I voice them, I'll look like a crazy bitch--but in lyrics all is well huh?
I go easily from writing in this thing every day to once a week. I reconnected with some people recently and talking to them during the day at work is keeping me busy. So my girlfriends and I did two major things this week. We all died some part of our hair fuscia,(I'll post a pic later) and we created a blog for the four of us where we can post memories of time we've spent together, things we're thinking about, and just anything we find beautiful to share with the others. This should be good.
My mom hates my hair, and I can't say that I'm in love with it. I tend to be a hair care perfectionist (if such a title exists). I love my healthy hair, I love that I've never done a full dye job. I did the pink only on the bottom layer and it seems to go over well with others, but it's just not 'Clean Classic Em'. You only live once right? and hair grows back and fades.
I spent a lot of time with G this weekend, mostly just doing the same thing we always do. M and I are going to college station for a big party K is throwing for G's birthday. This will definitely be my 'Go Nuts' weekend before school starts back up. I probably won't be sober ever. It's odd to say that because one might think the opposite would occur in a growing college student's life--good at home/bad at school. The people I devote my time to at Tech just aren't into that kind of fun and I think I like that. They are all about pure energetic active fun. But I also love that with the girls I feel up for any and everything that's presented to me; it's wild in a different way.
Speaking of school! Two weeks from today I'll be in my new apt :)
I write a lot in this lately. The thing is I talk way too damn much and this helps me to shut the hell up when I'm around people. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but I've been told my entire life that I talk a lot and I've slowly but surely closed up over time. It's not that I feel the need to fill the silence, or tell people what my opinions are, or how they should live their lives--and I don't talk in hope that someone hears what I'm like and finally understands me. I don't know why I ever talk at all. In theory-- the reason I talk is because hearing what I think outloud helps me reason it out logically. In view of that, this thing should be helping me talk about stuff outloud less.
But I won't feel bad because I am an outgoing, social person. I'm funny, cute, and usually pretty easy going about things unless pushed. I like to be involved in activities sometimes, I have a taste for certain kinds of art, and I believe that really knowing a person involves understanding their desires, needs and character. I'm a natural leader, simply because I do talk, I do voice my opinions when I deem it necessary, and I love control. I like to be alone, I like to read, and I love studying anything I can get my hands on concerning the human condition. I'd rather sleep than work any day, but I'm far from lazy. If I don't react to problems the same way everytime, it's not that I don't care it's just that I'm growing. I don't feel like it's arrogant to say any of that, because it's how I feel. It's not necessary for me to say "I'm better than you (in this way or that way)" because we know in what areas you excel further than me and vice versa. There is no need to compete over it, and don't pull me into that because I will, inevitably compete if provoked. If I talk to you it's because I treasure you as a person, and if I don't-- I don't like you very much. Small talk should clue you in. Even that might seem shallow, but I don't owe my depth to people that I don't feel will mesh with me anyway.
The whole idea of being able to talk to someone if I want to makes for friends and relationships that involving people that can sit in perfect silence and be happy knowing they know they can talk to the other but don't have to do so.
This is why I study in Communications. Because it fascinates me in every way. From the way others show emotion through communication to showing it through the lack of communication. Is it also what makes me a woman? Because I like to talk, I like to listen, I like trying to understand human emotions at a very wide range? Television shows and movies have always made the male archetype to be strong and silent, one who doesn't talk about stuff or really care to get into communication. And women are given the chatty, emotionally charged personalities that always badger men into talking more. And because it is a woman's trait it is seen as a fault. a negative characteristic. I even look around today and see that those two principal personas aren't even restricted--just like every other stereotypical icon. Many men and women talk; many don't. Aren't the most successful people the ones who get out there and submit their ideas, and talk and brainstorm with their peers, and have the ability to transmit those ideas to the mass public and have them be received in warm welcome?! We walk around with our ipods blasting, avoiding human contact and communication at all costs. The zombies of our time. No one wants confrontation, arguements, dissent. It's less stressful to walk to class or work without having your space invaded. We don't want people to put us down, we don't want our ideas to be seen as crazy or juvenile. We don't even feel as comfortable talking to someone face to face as we do sitting in front a a computer monitor trading instant messages with another. Is it because we don't have to see their eyes viewing the deepest caverns of our souls when we bear it all out? I personally would rather text message someone than talk to them on the phone and hear their tone of voice-- whether it be agreement or disdain. But even as I prefer this, I see the flaws. Is it that we're failing our potential as human beings or simply evolving in a completely different way? What's so wrong with communication?
I told my friend E yesterday that I thought our generation was teetering on the edge of something huge. I really believe that. Something great is going to happen.
That's all.
On a completely different level; I am not going to feel bad or guilty because I have worked my ass off this summer to make money. It wasn't given to me, and I'm working the way anyone else would. I live on a budget just like every average college student, but I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I do have more money this year than usual, and I there are luxuries that I can afford this time around. And it doesn't make me less empathetic to others situations. In view of that, if I have money and I want to spend it--I sure as hell will. This is the only time I will ever mention this, because I don't need to justify myself.
Do you ever feel like you're walking through a situation "It's a Wonderful Life" style? You know, you're there, you sense everything around you and you know everyone and everything that is happening but no one knows your there, like you don't exist at all?
My friend A drove from Keller to visit me yesterday. She said she really needed to get away and see a friendly face. Believe me I welcome those visits as much as the visitor. We just drove around and talked and caught up, both ecstatic to be living together in the fall.
There is a country song I heard in the car with B while I was in Lbk, something about 'you find out who your friends are'--- oh okay I googled it. Tracy Lawrence- Find Out Who Your Friends Are. Upon hearing this song I commented on how true the lyrics of the song were.
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think "What's in it for me?"
Or "It's way too far"
They just show on upWith their big ol' heart
You find out who your friends are...
Now the country music scene and I have an odd relationship. I think there is a time and place for the genre, and that's during the Summer in Texas. Most of the music just seems so chill and summery. I don't mean pop country. That stuff is shit. I mean real country, driving down a dirt road to the lake with your friends music. I digress. Anyway. B then refers me to another country song called Songs about me by Trace Adkins. In a nutshell it talks about how country music is good because it sings songs about you. whatever.
Point is-- the Tracy Lawrence song is so true. Unsure of who your real friends are? You can figure it out easily. Who calls you without reason, who comes to visit you because they need your company, who will drop whatever they are doing to help you out if you're in trouble. I think deep down we all know who our real friends are. We may not always approve or may think we're looking for something better, but the truth is we've got the best and we don't even realize it.
There are only about 7 people I trust in this capacity, outside of family which isn't my focus here. The people you have to initiate contact with EVERY SINGLE TIME to get any kind of communication going are not your real friends, and if they are- some serious growth is necessary. Just what I think right now.
Wow I really played up the country music today. So in an attempt to make amends, I suggest you listen to Ratatat. The band is phenomenal.
get ready for a materialistic post. I like to think I have an original style, but every so often I think--'What if that's just what they want me to think?' Being an advertising major can really fuck with your social pattern I think. You learn about social theories and media intent and it makes you wonder if we're all just lemmings walking toward the ultimate cliff. Is there ANY original thought or desire? The Bible does say there is nothing new under the sun, but wow. ANYWAY, none of that is my point.
So for about two years or less now, I've wanted to buy or make a handmade quilt for my bed in my apartment. It's just something so personal and original, you know? Well in the fall I am going to begin taking a class with a woman I work at the hospital with on quilting. But this is too long for me to wait, because I move in to the apartment in less than a month and I need bedding. So plan B-- I went to Canton Trade Days (this huge flea market type thing they have the first weekend of every month) to find a quilt. Sadly everything I was found either too dirty to have cleaned or too damaged to repair. So I bought a new quilt from 'Quilt World' in Canton, not entirely handmade, but the only one I've seen like it yet. whoo!
As a result, the past three months have basically been my mother and I shopping around whenever we get the chance for the miscellaneous items (sheets, pillows, a chair, etc). I wanted so badly to find a chair at an antique store that would fit perfectly with my earthy, vintage mental picture I had envisioned. Never found anything under $300, what a joke.
So fast forward to this past Friday. I was standing in line waiting to get my mom and brother the ticket so they could get into the Harry Potter release party later that night and get a reserved copy of the book. I saw Pier 1 and thought I'd check to see what I could find there. Ended up really liking this wide rounded dark wicker chair... but the catalogue listed it at $150. But I figured I'd ask a sales associate about it for shits and giggles. Turns out, this chair was on sale for $40!!! buttt I had to go to another location to get it. rats. So I drive to another Pier 1, and the guy tells me the chair is damaged a little but he'll make a deal. The damage was so minor, I could fix it easily. GUESS HOW MUCH I GOT IT FOR? $15. 10% of the original price. NO JOKE. I almost died.
Another aspect of the room I've been working on and thinking over-- what to do with the walls. I have a GIANT stainless steel kickplate to rough up and paint, and I really wanted to print some of my own stuff and frame it very cleanly. After looking around quite a bit at the wall art, posters, paintings, photos, prints, etc that various stores had to offer, I felt confident that my original plan to frame some of my own work would make the room much more personal than some print. So I picked out some of my favorites, altered the view color ones I liked to Black and White and had them printed. OMG AWESOME. I sound so vain right now, but photography is one of the few things in my life that really appeals to my soul. Some of the photos were good ones of my friends, while others were objects, places, etc. I'm at work right now, but maybe I'll post some of the ones I printed later.
So now I am SUPER excited to move into my new apartment.
So many profound discussions held this weekend. G, K, and M all drove home this weekend. On Friday, G and I had a chance to drive out to our lake spot and chill out. Someone should really record these conversations. One thing I wanted to mention here--I asked G why when individuals are questioned about which super human power they would choose to have, Boys usually say mind-reading and girls usually say flight. (This isn't conclusive or anything, just an observation) When I asked G this I knew what her answer would be because it was exactly what I was thinking, because it was a typical IB student cultural answer:
"Because boys are already raised in a patriarchs fashion. They feel like they have already ascended to the top of the ladder, and are in fact kings of their domain. With all of this accomplishment, there is only one thing left to have--to be able to read the minds of his minions and know them in a way no one else can. They also have trouble reading others in a typical social way, so the easiest solution is being able to read their minds with ease. And women--they want to fly because...well you know. They've been held back, told they weren't as good and expected to stay under the rule of man. Flying is the ultimate freedom."
While I immediately pulled out the same answer G did to this seemingly deep question, I find it archaic. I believe that things are changing for us culturally. We're in the middle of a social revolution--how ever slow it might be. Ladies are finding ways to fly despite the inherent challenge; but because my experience is subjective I'm not sure about men just yet. On the one hand you still have the Gaston from Beauty and The Beast persona. The "and don't I deserve the best" assertion. I of course know many boys that would say they would rather have the ability to fly above all other powers. Is this just a small few, or is it an evolving group that realizes the mediocrity of individual life, and understands that one isn't simply born 'on top' because he is male? I think the men that say flying instead of reading minds reveal a confidence and purity of soul that the 'mind reader' could never possess. Just things to think about.
Fast Forward 2 days. Chilling with M in a park by the lake. This is what we all do. Chill by the lake. It's almost cleansing to toke and then just sit by the water. We talked about the importance of spending an ample amount of time with yourself alone. She referenced Thoreau's views on Solitude from Walden
"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."
"We meet at the post-office, and at the sociable, and about the fireside every night; we live thick and are in each other's way, and stumble over one another, and I think that we thus lose some respect for one another. Certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communication."
Cue mental breakthrough. I love to be alone when I need it. Sometimes I see movies alone, I sit by the lake alone, I shop alone, I study alone most of the time; more recently, I blaze alone. Often times when I've had a little too much to drink, I'm known to leave the group without word and go off and sit alone. I realize now the downfall of last semester could be accredited to self. I had no where to go to be alone. After discussing all of this, I told M that this is the reason the 4 girls are so close. We understand the need to be alone and away from people and each other sometimes.
I'll leave with one more question I've been thinking about.
Do we spend so much time and effort trying to create romantic and ideal situations that we never really experience those things? We know what the media considers to be idealistic and romantic, (a beach vacation, first kiss, flowers and dinner) but are those things a sure guarantee that we will be happy if we experience them? What if we just let go and stopped trying to create that perfect fairy tale? Would be be unfathomably happier?
I am utterly and completely happy right now. Please God let this feeling linger for a few days.
My friend HB came home from Tokyo and she, J, and I went to the dollar movie on 50 cent night. We saw twp movies! whoo I love being cheap!
Saw Disturbia and The Invisible. Both were good.
Except for the opening scene of Disturbia. It features a devastating car accident. I'd seen it once before and was still just as shocked the second time. Why? My greatest fear is being in a horrible car accident. Why? Because I've had too many friends die in them. 3 years ago J's brother was in an accident with his best friend and he was the driver; his friend John was killed. 1 year ago- Three friends, weeks from graduating died in a car accident after losing control and side-swiping another friend at a turn. The thing that sucked so badly about this was the last time I had seen them was at a New Years Eve party where a speech about living life to the fullest in 2006 was important because you never know how long you have. Today- a guy I knew in middle school was killed in an accident. I've also been in a pretty scary one with my brother once before. Imagine you're driving a yellow bug, lose control and spin 4 times into a tree. It seems silly to be so afraid, but everyone has irrational fears.
Are your relationships and experiences the most important thing in life?
21 years is a quarter of my life gone by. It seems so long, and yet so short at the same time. Thinking about being 40 seems far away, and remembering the past few years seems so recent. I realize it's merely because I don't know what the next 20 years holds and I'm at this very moment utilizing things I've learned from the past 20. Last night a guy I used to date and I were talking about Summer the way it used to be. Dangerous ground to touch on with us, because it was during a Summer that we got together. It got me thinking about how I think Summer should be.
As a child, summer was anticipated because it meant no school and plenty of swimming But inevitably everyone would be bored and ready for school to start after 3 weeks of summer because sitting at home watching t.v. all day is never a child's idea of excitement.
I was trying to think of when this would change for me, and it was--of course- when we all started driving. Summer morphed into a time of constant lounging with friends, movies, the mall--and any and every trouble that we could get in and out of.
Any memorable high school summer memory for me usually includes about 10 of the same old regular kids getting together. One of the guys, B, had the perfect house for gatherings, because it included a movie room, a game room, a pool, and a mother who cooked for everyone all the time. A typical night usually included everyone meeting up at his house and swimming, playing poker, and eating. The night would end with all of us laying upstairs in the movie room talking and laughing. The sad thing about all of those memories is that soon after 'the group' graduated, this guy's parents split up, sold the house we pretty much grew up in, and made things awkward for everyone. I say awkward because the entire group found out they were splitting up at a New Years Eve party our last year there. wow. Then senior year a select number of the group including myself wanted to branch out and try anything and everything that would get us out of that popular group where everyone is involved in every high school activity possible but it works because they were all friends anyway. See I went to an honors high school. You were a loser if you weren't involved. So you take 2 honors society officers, one drum major, the school mascots, the rebellious sister of the previously mentioned B, and some guys, and the rebellion begins. You name it we tried it. Even a few run ins with the cops. That last summer was like THE last summer. Everyone was still together, we had reached the end of a huge step in life, and we didn't care what anyone thought.
Anyone that tells you that ages 16-18 were the worst time in their life--I really have to disagree. Go back, never. But the experience is necessary.
Summers these past few years have been transitional ones. We're trying to grow up, or we're being forced to pretend we are at least. The first summer after high school was rough for the entire group. Three friends were killed in a horrible car accident, and one was murdered by his father. Death wasn't something we were used to experiencing, discounting the elderly. For most of us, it was a summer of trying hard to live dangerously because we had come face to face with mortality. I think we all spent more time blazed that year as an anti-depressant rather than as a social party time. I have to talk about this as if it were longer ago than 2 or 3 years because it's still influencing me and people I am close to.
Now? We all work somewhere, we're all living in scattered areas, and we all miss the way things were, but we're equally excited for what's to come. Seeing each other the few times that we can seems to make those meetings more important. The girls and I discussed how different we knew this summer apart would be, working through the week and anticipating the next weekend we could get together and feel at home again. Now it's less partying and large groups and more just us--laying in a park, laughing in a car in our old high school parking lot until the cops come and make us leave, or just chilling at a jazz concert. The college atmosphere opens many other doors for summer activity as well. Seeing each other is becoming less of a summer thing and more of a anytime we see each other thing. Soon summers will be nothing more than hot weather, and two week vacations. It's funny that all through school we hope wait and wish for time to pass and once it has we look back and think "Damn, why did I rush that?" But I am excited for what future summers hold.
wow so much writing here! 21 years is a quarter of a lifetime...
So I ordered some books off of Amazon like I planned.
They came in yesterday!
I bought a best seller for the sake of reading with the masses, called Stumbling on Happiness
I also ordered a book about the 60s and 70s called America's Uncivil Wars
I am extremely interested in the American culture of this period. I just want to know how people thought. I also found out last night that my brother is entering that summer reading phase of his education. WHOO. whatever. He has to read To Kill a Mockingbird. So I go through a huge box of my old books and dig that one out for him to use. Point here is--there are tons of books in that box I may go back and read! Siddhartha, The Stone Angel, Kaffir Boy, Running in the Family, Kokoro, Jubilee, and many more. I'm having a huge nerd moment.
Three random things: I am going to use the phrase "Oh For Fuck's Sake!" some. Shia Lebeouf can marry me any day. Don't listen to Carrie Underwood unless you want to be overwelmed with a rush of emotion that you forgot you were capable of experiencing. stupid girl.
A good weekend with good friends leaves Em a happy girl!
It was a good weekend. A chance to relax for two days and forget about work. Shopping, Good Conversation, Good Laughs, Drive-Ins, Movies, Dinners, swimming, running, catching, knitting, playing, driving, resting-- ALL FANTASTIC I haven't laughed that hard all summer. Being here and sort of socially cut off from even my best friends has been unique but difficult. 6 more weeks and I can go back for good. It was what I needed to allow myself to say "It's okay to let go and give up." I'm just tired. It's not worth the wonder and confusion anymore. To watch someone treat me completely different from what I'm used to is insane. I feel like if I'm going to try and take things in life less seriously, this is a major step. It'll work itself out eventually. I'm going to step back, concentrate on other things and do what I'm supposed to be doing. And I feel fine about it!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Just let me run where I want to run...
So the week is crawling by.
Thursday night I get to fly to the big lBk for a nice weekend away from home. The question is, is time going by so slowly because I am excited to go or because I am actually dreading the whole thing? Probably a little of both.
For someone who wants to know the truth so badly, I sure have become comfortable in the confusion.
No here's a real prediction: I come home Sunday night even more confused than before and I decide to finally let go.
so I hope that I never end up at a desk job like this for the rest of my life. How monotonous
Saturday, July 7, 2007
"What do our heads talk us into doing when our hearts are broken?...or is it that our heads are broken and the hearts do the talking?"
So today a friend suggested (in a really nice way mind you) that I shouldn't take things so seriously.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cries* I know. I wish that person could see how much I write about hating that I over-think over-analyze and let things build up. or my personal love affair with control. The only problem is...I really like that like one person I know knows this thing even exists.
The problem with all of your friends being able to read your blog is the idea that you slowly begin to seriously censor yourself because you don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, because if you do you're bound to get some argumentative comments from your friends that disagree.
I'm struggling to be different than my dad. I come from a family that flips out if a drink is spilled. I wish I didn't beat myself up about things--really I do. Do you know what it's like to be unable to sleep at night because you cannot stop thinking? And it's stuff that by all rights I shouldn't be thinking about! Grades, the past, my appearance, if I remembered to do some tiny thing at work that day and what would happen if I hadn't... EVERYTHING. If I could stop it right away I would. I am trying. I wish people could understand that I don't try to create drama and I don't enjoy being like this.
I care too much about what people think too.
When I finally get to sleep, when I'm with my girls, or when I'm taking pictures are the few times I can stop thinking for just a little while. I cling to these.
AND HERE I AM TAKING WHAT MY FRIEND SAID TOO SERIOUSLY. WHOO! monotonous! arghh
I had the privilege of seeing John Mayer in concert for the second time in my life. I was much further from the stage this time, but I must say I enjoyed it more. Sitting on a lawn chilling out with people and being comfortable to dance if you want to or even lay down is muuuuuch better than being extremely close to the performer, but getting closer every minute because people are pushing you toward them.
People want to give me their idea that John Mayer is some bubble gum pop prick that plays music for the masses. I only agree with one part of that- he plays his heart out for the masses. Forget the singles you've heard John Mayer sing on the radio, the so-called hits. He's actually one of the best guitar players alive today. People ask him to play as a guest on their albums all the time. He's grown in his new album; he plays jazz and blues music about heart ache and being human. He tells it like it is. He writes the kind of music that makes people feel alive. Now that I have done a little plug for him, he should send me money.
He played an acoustic version of Slow Dancing in a Burning Room for his encore Friday night; I just about died where I stood. That song is SO GOOD.
Do you ever get that invincible feeling after attending a concert? Anything could happen to you, but you wouldn't waiver or crumble. It's like magic. Depending on the performance and atmosphere, the amount of time that feeling lingers varies. Festivals, like Austin City Limits really pump up that feeling indescribably. When I'm at a concert (especially an outdoor one), there is a moment when I feel like 'this is exactly how life should be'. The summer air, the smells, the people and the laughter, and the music. I wish I could feel that way all the time.
Another blogger I've been scanning through made an interesting assertion about a specific personality type that I wanted to quote and remember. This describes a friend of mine perfectly, and no matter how much I love this person-- they still fall into this category:
But of course, these self-made assholes are putting on the biggest show of all, trying to pretend like they're even bigger douche bags than they are in the hopes that controversy leads to interest, then to affection and admiration.
They soon realize that bastards with hearts of gold who are discovered and nurtured only exist in the movies, and they die alone, having never finished their book that is "better than 80% of the shit they publish these days."
When I was visiting my friend M, we wandered into a ceramic shop and decided to paint our own pieces spur of the moment.
This is the finished product M brought home to me this weekend. The photos don't do it justice. It's a deep red mug and the tree is black. I am in love with this mug. I painted it because I wanted to have a new coffee mug for the new apartment in the fall--hence the school appropriate red and black. The girls and I are going with a red and black theme for our kitchen and living room in the fall as well--it's just easier for us all to agree upon.
I didn't go in to work today; I took one more day to rest my mouth up from having the wisdom teeth removed. It sure was nice. This also means I only have to work 3 days this week. I'm not complaining. I wish I were a tree sometimes...
A few hours ago I had my wisdom teeth removed. Why they hell would we as humans be equipped with teeth if they weren't needed? I don't care about the cavemen and what they needed. Having them removed was the most painful procedure I've experienced so far physically. All he did was numb my mouth and then jerk them out. not. even. kidding. The bottom left one was the only one that hadn't come out from beneath the gums. I think the roots of that sucker originated at my feet. I think I silently cried the entire time. Fuck dentists. The man wasn't even nice. His assistant was kind and tried to calm me down, but what the hell happened to hospitality?
I now officially: hate soup hate teeth love vicodin
for a good song, get something to say what I can't.
Trees have always been a favorite symbol for me. I love the way the base begins and the way the branches spread and reach and curl toward the sky. I love the way the sun shines through the bare branches at dusk in late fall, and the way the blue sky peeks through the cracks between the leaves in the summer. I find myself constantly getting shots of trees, and when I draw or paint, the contour, and the wild curved lines just do something to me. Even the spidery shadows they create amaze me. Trees are some of the most beautiful things to grace this earth. Their beauty has no seasonal boundary. They thrive when other things perish, they're the source of so many materials and elements, stories, and memories for people all over the world. I hope this fancinating love affair I am having with trees lasts.
Something I've learned to accept about myself: I lose things easily. I'll have something in my hand or put something somewhere I think is a safe place to find it when it becomes necessary, and then I'll forget. And sure this happens to everyone but when I lose something, I freak out. Imagine something as silly as car keys laying in plain sight, and me running around pulling my hair out calling myself an idiot, but feeling even crazier when I do find them.
Last night I couldn't find my phone, and I use it as an alarm to wake up for work in the morning. So I found a clock radio alarm and set it so that I wouldn't have to worry and freak out 5 minutes before sleep. Long and useless story short: waking up 2 hours late is the sign of an exciting day ahead. My hair does look fabulous, so I am anxiously awaiting a good surprise on this the 13th of June.
I sit here, watching GhostRider with my brother (this movie is the worst), and I wonder why I can't live in my dreams instead of here.
Things don't always go well in dreams, but at least a world of things can alter in a split second in a dream. In the real world, you have to wait for things to happen, or make them happen and suffer through the pain, heartache, etc until you get the that place. A specific characteristic of dreams that I find interesting in myself is that if I become aware that it is a dream, and try to extend it or make it last longer or control the events within it, I inevitably wake up. Without fail. Just another product of the destruction my desire to control creates. I always dream about people that are in my life currently; they make comments and say things that relate to what I might hear them say in reality, but the location is always set in the town I spent my childhood in. It weirds me out to dream this way because I can still see the streets, people, and places, and they seem so real I wake up unsure if the dream actually happened or not. I moved away from that town almost 8 years ago-- I was just a child. This seems significant because, I don't remember actual events or things I really experienced in this town as a child. My mom will start in with her "oh you remember that time.." conversation and usually I nod and smile, but I honestly don't remember most of what she says. Okay, who cares I was a child right? My brother remembers things like this, why don't I? I know I hated living in that place, and relished in the chance to move. I've never looked back until college, when I began meeting the people I grew up with in school. Buuut I digress. Point is-- I'll be having oral surgery this weekend and hope and pray that the medication will take me to that dream world for a while without my foolish interference.
Today my friend G (the one with the Lincoln etching), she informed me that sugar ants were in her keyboard. In my laptop this morning, there were also sugar ants crawling around in my keyboard. The coincidence made us laugh. I don't want to forget how the stupid little things made us feel closer even though we're living far away. Someday, we'll be old women that can laugh and do the same idiot shit we've done today--only we'll know how to handle the after
Anyone that doesn't think Foreigner was one of the best bands of the 70s and 80s, I will fight you. There is a short list of bands from the same period that I consider to be chock full of musical greatness: Journey, Boston, Styx, Queen, and Foreigner. Classic rock legends.
Head Games
I tend to touch on the subject of Alzheimer's quite a bit, because developing it is something that runs in my family. It's one of the main reasons I take so many pictures; I want to have some kind of proof that things happened, because I might not remember them. That's a painful thought. wow. I thought I had gotten out of my slump when I got some fantastic lightning shots two months ago, but since then my photographic creativity has slumped back into it's hole. When I take good pictures, and they receive praise or attention, I feel like I have some kind of purpose or skill. I seem to have run into a wall; I really lose that 'sight' when I am busy thinking about a million other problems. Shouldn't it be a release to take the pictures? A way of finding the simplicity and beauty I overlook in my daily routine...it used to be my joy. Hell, it's going to have it's purpose in my profession--I hope. Photographs are my real journal. Right now the pages are empty, boring and white.
Don't Stop Believin' I've thought about this more than once, and and every so often it'll resurface in my mind and nag me--pretty much like everything else does. I've been in college for several years now, and have found what I believe to be that group people search to fit into. I was one of like 3 of my friends that went to a university that none of my closest friends chose to attend. It was rough being all alone in beginning, but it forced me to go out and meet new people, people that understand me. Yet, I've found that nothing compares to the comfort I feel when I am able to reunite with my older friends. Things just fit there. And a small something always hints that maybe--this college group, everyone aspires to one day find--maybe they are just filler friends for the real ones. That's probably not true. But events keep occurring that make me question the how genuine these people are. I sure hope I'm wrong.
Renegade I know I'm good at taking the blame of myself, or bringing the right amount of attention to myself if I want it. I've never seen myself as a manipulative person, mainly because I can't take some things that people say to me and ignore them and use them to my advantage. I like to argue, I've never been a very good kiss ass or suck up (especially toward teachers in school), and I don't like games. I always think I have my argument and decisions planned out, having pondered all the possible outcomes and accusations that could come my way. Inevitably the one outcome I didn't think of will rear it's ugly head. Yes, I am a controlling person. I like plans, I like decisions, I like to be the one behind the wheel usually. But that's because I've had enough experience with people to know that if I don't make decisions and plans for myself, then nothing will ever happen. As a result I sometimes look like a bitch, and may get called one. And I guess that's what I mean by watching things dissolve and disappear if I reliquish my control, stand back and let the chips fall where they may--chaos will ensue and I will evaporate. dust in the wind. This is where I realize that I don't trust anyone. I put on this act that I am a girl who'll trust you and let you use her, but I am always looking out for the backstabbers. And if I am betrayed, I do retaliate because it's those people that I take the bulk of my frustration and anger with everything out on. What if I do all of these nice things for people, just to see if they will prove my cynicism right? I am my father's daughter. THEN. There are the times I let my guard down, and hope that this time will be the turn around for me, and I won't end up hating people in general. With my girls, I know I made the right decision with them. The jury is still out for others.
Juke Box Hero I was thinking of making a list of lyrics from many different songs, choosing the ones that apply to my life currently the most. It might be a bored task, but it will be one thing for sure--and that's time consuming.
I love:
to ride with the windows down,
singing loud,
new nail polish on her toes,
shoes,
taking pictures and collecting old ones,
roller coasters,
the smell of summer
I loathe:
words that end in -bby,
indecisive people,
mayonnaise,
fruit-flavored gum,
any small repetitive tapping noises or high pitched sounds.
I am extremely interested in the American culture of this period. I just want to know how people thought.
