Talk, Talk, Talk.

I'm juggling with two different things right now.

I write a lot in this lately. The thing is I talk way too damn much and this helps me to shut the hell up when I'm around people. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but I've been told my entire life that I talk a lot and I've slowly but surely closed up over time. It's not that I feel the need to fill the silence, or tell people what my opinions are, or how they should live their lives--and I don't talk in hope that someone hears what I'm like and finally understands me. I don't know why I ever talk at all. In theory-- the reason I talk is because hearing what I think outloud helps me reason it out logically. In view of that, this thing should be helping me talk about stuff outloud less.

But I won't feel bad because I am an outgoing, social person. I'm funny, cute, and usually pretty easy going about things unless pushed. I like to be involved in activities sometimes, I have a taste for certain kinds of art, and I believe that really knowing a person involves understanding their desires, needs and character. I'm a natural leader, simply because I do talk, I do voice my opinions when I deem it necessary, and I love control. I like to be alone, I like to read, and I love studying anything I can get my hands on concerning the human condition. I'd rather sleep than work any day, but I'm far from lazy. If I don't react to problems the same way everytime, it's not that I don't care it's just that I'm growing. I don't feel like it's arrogant to say any of that, because it's how I feel. It's not necessary for me to say "I'm better than you (in this way or that way)" because we know in what areas you excel further than me and vice versa. There is no need to compete over it, and don't pull me into that because I will, inevitably compete if provoked. If I talk to you it's because I treasure you as a person, and if I don't-- I don't like you very much. Small talk should clue you in. Even that might seem shallow, but I don't owe my depth to people that I don't feel will mesh with me anyway.

The whole idea of being able to talk to someone if I want to makes for friends and relationships that involving people that can sit in perfect silence and be happy knowing they know they can talk to the other but don't have to do so.

This is why I study in Communications. Because it fascinates me in every way. From the way others show emotion through communication to showing it through the lack of communication. Is it also what makes me a woman? Because I like to talk, I like to listen, I like trying to understand human emotions at a very wide range? Television shows and movies have always made the male archetype to be strong and silent, one who doesn't talk about stuff or really care to get into communication. And women are given the chatty, emotionally charged personalities that always badger men into talking more. And because it is a woman's trait it is seen as a fault. a negative characteristic. I even look around today and see that those two principal personas aren't even restricted--just like every other stereotypical icon. Many men and women talk; many don't. Aren't the most successful people the ones who get out there and submit their ideas, and talk and brainstorm with their peers, and have the ability to transmit those ideas to the mass public and have them be received in warm welcome?! We walk around with our ipods blasting, avoiding human contact and communication at all costs. The zombies of our time. No one wants confrontation, arguements, dissent. It's less stressful to walk to class or work without having your space invaded. We don't want people to put us down, we don't want our ideas to be seen as crazy or juvenile. We don't even feel as comfortable talking to someone face to face as we do sitting in front a a computer monitor trading instant messages with another. Is it because we don't have to see their eyes viewing the deepest caverns of our souls when we bear it all out? I personally would rather text message someone than talk to them on the phone and hear their tone of voice-- whether it be agreement or disdain. But even as I prefer this, I see the flaws. Is it that we're failing our potential as human beings or simply evolving in a completely different way? What's so wrong with communication?

I told my friend E yesterday that I thought our generation was teetering on the edge of something huge. I really believe that. Something great is going to happen.

That's all.

On a completely different level; I am not going to feel bad or guilty because I have worked my ass off this summer to make money. It wasn't given to me, and I'm working the way anyone else would. I live on a budget just like every average college student, but I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I do have more money this year than usual, and I there are luxuries that I can afford this time around. And it doesn't make me less empathetic to others situations. In view of that, if I have money and I want to spend it--I sure as hell will. This is the only time I will ever mention this, because I don't need to justify myself.