I'm Ready For It.

I know I've been writing a lot lately. My body is exploding with words dying to get out; I have no other outlet. People think I talk to much, but they don't realize that I never really say anything. It's just meaningless dribble to keep the conversation going. For the sake of what? I don't know. Courtesy, I'm guessing. Maybe if I fill their minds with who I want them to think I am, then they'll never really know the real me. The terror underneath that can't imagine being without them, but can't stand being around them.

What the hell am I doing and what is the point? When do I get to take my shit degree and move on and do something that make my heart beat passionately instead of it's current state--going on because it's too bored to find something else to do. I sit in class on edge waiting for class to end. It's an anxious feeling, like something big is going to happen to me right after class and I can't wait, only there never is anything big.

I want to live in the city, I want to take photographs of anything and everything I find beautiful, I want to do everything I've never done and more. I want to breathe crisp morning air that doesn't smell like the stock yards blowing in from the South. I don't want to hear any more people around me bitching about how hard they have it and how depressed they are. You're depressed because you shut yourself out from the world and drown it in "school work". You're depressed because no one likes sitting alone in a room with their television and computer keeping them company. I just want to be completely IN the world, I want it to envelope me in every way. I know others sadness rubs off on me and I allow myself to succumb to self-pity. Self-loathing is a completely different problem. That's no one's fault but my own. I know I'm beautiful, smart and funny. But something is off. One tiny part of me isn't convinced. It's laughing in my face. Laughing at my ambitions, laughing at my attempts at grace.

How long do I have to wait and think "If I just take shit for a little longer, I can do what I want." Because I am hoping it's when college ends. I know it isn't. How much shit will I take at some Snob ad agency before I feel satisfied.

Who am I angry with? I can't figure it out. I can blame my roommates, my parents, or school. But is it anyone's fault? I feel empty again. You tell me that I'm not. I do feel loved, I do. But it's just...nothing. My mind is getting the best of me.

Once, when I was younger, just once- in a moment of complete absent mindedness or maybe clarity, I dropped a curling iron against my skin on purpose, just to see how long I could stand the pain. It wasn't an act of despair or sadness, it was just something I was curious about. There were a lot of things about life I was trying to understand, and the line between the two concepts of physical and emotional pain seemed fuzzy. I still have the scar to prove it. I tell people I fell asleep and dropped the curling iron, for fear that people would think I was mental for having any wonder.

I have all these plans and goals, and I'm well on my way to getting what I want. I know that I just have to stick to it. So what's the deal?

My dreams lately are nothing but jokes on reality. Dreams that seem so real. I wake up and wonder if they really happened. Those dreams are more haunting that anything else. Are they manifests of my desires or worst fears? I don't want them.

Hit me, where's my quick fix?

The Way We Were...

Isn't it interesting the way different people interpret the same movie? Regardless of the creator's intent or the story-line or anything, it will be interpreted the way each viewer wants to see it. That's magic. That's why films thrive. On the other hand I also believe this is why films that try to shove an opinion down the audience's throats inevitably fails.

It's like a good advertisement. Maybe it suggests something that has been on everyone's mind but no one is willing to speak aloud. Wants, needs, desires, passions, hatred.

Tonight the roommates and I watched The Way We Were. Before anyone gets worked up and thinks "Oh Gosh, another chick-flick?!" I'm not here to get anything about how romantic and wonderful and blah blah this movie is.

I just found it extremely intriguing how each roommate decided what the movie was trying to say, and how it related to each of our own personal lives. You can do this with a lot of movies. Not escapism movies like Box Office blowouts and Superhero sagas, but with some truly well done movies.

An extremely brief loose synopsis of the movie, so as not to include bias before I explain each viewpoint. An so as to further that idea, the imdb synopsis:

Two desperate people have a wonderful romance, but their political views and convictions drive them apart.

OK. I guess that's a little barren. On the chance of fucking up this wonderful thought I had, I'll just go ahead and explain how I saw the movie and move on with the other interpretations, and let them speak for themselves. If you really want to get a feel for this movie, watch it yourself.

SO. Two people, worlds apart, attend the same college. Katie and Hubble. It begins as your typical, nerd loves jock type of story. I believe this is done in order to make the audience comfortable with the familiarity of such a simple beginning plot. Naturally. (An aside. Don't you ever just want to say "DUH" but don't because the word seems so uncouth? but sometimes it's the only thing that will suffice) I digress. So the two people with nothing in common end up getting together. She's touched by his undeniable way with words and (DUH) he's Robert Redford; he's intrigued by her resolve and strength in the face of adverse opinion. She had this wild dynamic that was as intoxicating. Their love become so strong and intertwined that it still stands when everything falls apart. The politics get in the way, the stress and pressure just isn't enough for them to stay together. With all the love they have for one another, it just can't be. That is a horrible thing to watch. He thinks that love should be easier. She thinks she can fix it if she tries hard enough. It's all explained in a line early in the film:

Katie: I don't have the right style for you do I?
Hubbell : No you don't have the right style.
Katie I'll Change.
Hubbell : No don't change you're your own girl, you have your own style.
Katie : But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you?

She was everything he couldn't be and vice versa. She was outspoken, she didn't go along with the grain. He was high class, easy-going, successful. In the end, no one can truly change, and if they had stayed together, their love would destroy them both. You know they love each other still after everything because of the last scene. They meet on the streets of New York and it's not with malice or regret, but with love and friendship. I mean the fucking song talks about only remembering the laughter in the way we were, because the hard times were too bad to think about. They couldn't be together. It had to end that way. OK. I've gone too far! Getting carried away here. Moving on.


My roommate A, could only see what a bastard Hubble was when he cheated on her with his old girlfriend. She got lost in the plot, and kept wondering why Katie didn't just dump Hubble on his ass, and why he even put up with her. She didn't understand the politics of the movie, which really were just a side story to make things tense. She was focused on how rough it was going to be for Katie to raise a child alone in the 60s--a time when, to her, everyone had to be in a nice packaged family where the mom stays home and cooks. She couldn't see that Katie would never be that type of mother anyway, which was part of why the relationship died. Even when Katie met Hubble's new girlfriend at the end, she couldn't understand why Katie handled it so gracefully, instead of going ape shit and refusing to even look at the woman. She wondered why the movie ended so sadly.


The other roommate K, was almost at this same view, but could see that they loved each other very much. She wanted Katie to drop Hubble as well, and move on with her life. She though Katie put up with way too much shit. She concentrated on how she had packed up her entire life and moved to Hollywood to be with Hubble, and he had sacrificed nothing. Although. I would like to say here, that Hubble did compromise as well. He did. It just wouldn't work. Anyway. She saw Katie as this independent woman who didn't need him in her life if he couldn't support her.


The fucking parallels between our own personal lives and the ways we chose to interpret this film are NUTS. I don't mean in the way our lives actually play out so much as the way we feel about life, the way we each think things should work out. I mean. If you've read any of this blog, you can see my unguarded parallels. I like to think I saw this movie the way it was intended. But did I?

I thought about this for a few minutes and decided. SURE. I interpreted it correctly, because it's never meant to be seen one way. Is this what makes it a classic?

I leave with one other good line from the film:

Hubbell Gardner: You think you're easy? Compared to what, the Hundred Years' War?

Toxic Holiday

By now most people's so-called New Years Resolutions are fading slowly and said people are falling back into their usual routine.

I prefer to think that what I have decided to make out of 2008 not as a resolution, but as a mere goal. What I have already begun doing, is something I hope will satisfy my creative needs and set up some connections for my career.

I am currently in the early stages of creating a small photography business. My mom's best friend has her own business, and over Christmas break, she took a look at some portraits I did. She critiqued them for me but really told me that they were professional work and I should think about starting a small local business. Of course I was over the moon and back at this compliment, but laughed it off at the time.

When I came back to school, the idea popped into my head again one night, and I decided to go through with it. The only thing that was holding be back before now was, the idea that as a Advertising major amongst many Photocomm majors, I wouldn't be up to par with those individuals who worked at it day in and day out. It's only my passionate release from the monotony of everyday life. But now I was thinking, sure these other people are studying, but are they actually out there doing anything with it right now? And I've gained quite a bit of experience in classes and experimentation as well, and have the eye for it, so WHY NOT?

So I've started a Web site. Black Ruby Photography. I am currently adding the extra touches to it, which is taking FOREVER and making me seriously consider a HTML class. Also, there are some fliers to design and put up all over town.

I'm going to advertise toward graduating students, graduating high school seniors, engaged couples, and any other location photography.

Today I had a small interview with a local photography shop, where I hope to work part-time until I graduate, furthering my experience with equipment and the owner's knowledge. I'll find out next week whether or not I got the position.

I am going to make something out of this year. I'm 21, and it's time I did something of substance. I can't and won't spend another year lovesick and apathetic. It just makes me feel like a fool a year later. So here I go! Join me on this interesting journey!

One of Us Has to Drive, One of Us Gets to Think

New Years Eve 2007.

Every year the party is completely different from whatever I expect to transpire, no matter how much advanced planning is involved. And it always ends up being fun anyway!

This year, the girls and I had a plan. Usually it's the four of us getting together around 9 or 10 and saying "Allright where are we going?"

The plan was to go to dinner, head to a house party or two, leave early to spend midnight in a club downtown, dancing. After the club we would just go where ever led.

A tip for my future New Years Eve plans, go to the liquor store at least a full day ahead of time. We went, and the place was elbow to elbow. It took us an hour just to buy our drinks.

So after this debacle, we went to Jason's Deli and caught a quick dinner. The it was off to the house party to pre-game. I got to be the designated driver this year, which just meant I had to drink significantly less than the others. Let me tell you, watching people drink everclear drinks while I sip on patron and coke is not bad at all. My experience with Everclear is far from pleasant, and I was determined to do my job as 'DD' anyway. After a few trips to the garage and a few drinking games, everyone was doing well. We were having such a good time, that it was hard to leave when we needed to go to the club.

As we're walking on the porch, our friend M came outside and was upset we were leaving. So we started encircling him and hugging him and embarrassing him with showers of affection. Who knows how long this went on. I am describing this moment because, at this exact same time, a really attractive boy was passing us, going into the party.
For a split second, the name of this boy was in my mind. But I thought, "no way...that can't be him..." So this guy continues to walk in and I begin to lead the girls out toward the car. Once he's inside, behind me K shouts, "WAS THAT JOSH BRUCE!?" It was. I whirled around and concured and we began losing our minds like we were back in high school again. See this guy was a Senior during our sophomore year of high school, and he was the 'it' boy. We were absolutely giddy. Nevermind the fact that we had forgotten he even existed until that moment. And with that, we left the party and headed for the club, anticipating our return and chance to meet him.

We drive downtown and park to find a club. We parked in this shady parking lot that had a police vehicle guarding the entrance. As I pull into the space, this cop begins to pass us. M says, "Oh no, that's a K-9 unit..." And so begins the anxiety. We calmly got out of the car and headed for the club, walking in the opposite direction of the fuzz.

The line for our planned destination for midnight was SO LONG. So to make a long story short, mainly because this has taken me a week to finish this entry, we walked back to the car to find another club that we might spend our new year in and ended up ringing in midnight in the car. It was fun though, we were just glad to be together.

It's decision time. The girls and I decide the best plan of action would be to head back to the party. So we drive back and continue our adventure. Drinking more than anyone should, and smoking more than necessary, it was a night to remember. There was a drinking game at some point that just turned into people sitting around drinking and taking shots. We danced, laughed and took pictures. I vaguely remember a few games of pool, conversations with the high school hottie, and playing with a pet snake. NO, A REAL PET SNAKE.


At about 4 am it was decided we should make our way home. As we drove back, the usual hunger hit, and we made the usual stop at Whataburger. Soon after, we went to G's house, I presume we ate, and then passed out. :)


I have more to write but, later.

I've never...

the 'I've never' game. A popular past time among college students everywhere. The object of the game is to say something that you've never done, attempting to knock the other players that have done it, out of the competition.

So. If someone were to say to me-- "I've never written something crazy in my blog while completely slushed drunk," I would lose.

ie the previous entry. What an odd burst of emotion. I hope everyone enjoyed that in depth moment.

And so it goes.

All apologies.

I've got a lot to say about New Years Eve, coming up.