So today a friend suggested (in a really nice way mind you) that I shouldn't take things so seriously.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cries*
I know. I wish that person could see how much I write about hating that I over-think over-analyze and let things build up. or my personal love affair with control. The only problem is...I really like that like one person I know knows this thing even exists.
The problem with all of your friends being able to read your blog is the idea that you slowly begin to seriously censor yourself because you don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, because if you do you're bound to get some argumentative comments from your friends that disagree.
I'm struggling to be different than my dad. I come from a family that flips out if a drink is spilled. I wish I didn't beat myself up about things--really I do. Do you know what it's like to be unable to sleep at night because you cannot stop thinking? And it's stuff that by all rights I shouldn't be thinking about! Grades, the past, my appearance, if I remembered to do some tiny thing at work that day and what would happen if I hadn't... EVERYTHING. If I could stop it right away I would. I am trying. I wish people could understand that I don't try to create drama and I don't enjoy being like this.
I care too much about what people think too.
When I finally get to sleep, when I'm with my girls, or when I'm taking pictures are the few times I can stop thinking for just a little while. I cling to these.
AND HERE I AM TAKING WHAT MY FRIEND SAID TOO SERIOUSLY. WHOO!
monotonous! arghh
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2 comments:
"The only problem is...I really like that like one person I know knows this thing even exists"- I want this line printed on a t-shirt or bumper sticker! I really am liking the freedom of anonymous blogging too. It's hard to go through life totally honest, it creates complications, but I believe it's worth investigating.
Something that stuck with me was an interview with the very elderly in a old folks home. They were asked what they regreted the most in life. The resounding answers were that, "they took stuff too seriously," and that, "they didn't take enough time to enjoy the little niceties of life." I too am in constant battle with a worried mind, and believe me, I should know better. As an older person, let me warn you not to let it become a pattern. I sometimes wonder if it's not a reaction to brain chemicals to worry so, maybe some an out-dated survival instinct.
My advice to you is to give meditation a try. Meditation is a grey term. What I mean by it is, go to your quiet dark room, close your eyes, and just try to quiet that inner voice that never shuts up. It won't like it, and it will be very difficult, and frustrating. It will do it's best to convince you that you need it, and you can't just, "turn it off."
You've already taken the first steps in recognizing that there is a part of yourself at your very core, working against your will. Taking away that parts power, and bringing it under control might be one of the most powerful thing you ever do.
I think I might try meditation, nothing else seems to work. There may be millions in producing merchandise with the things I say printed on them ;)
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