Sometimes it just skips a generation...

Imagine stepping into a public restroom and having to decide:

Do you use the stall with the pubic hair on the toilet?

Or the one with the faint smudge on the toilet seat that could be one of 2 things?

Squatting or not, it's still a serious choice.

If I weren't in an office building, I'd choose outside over both.

Don't Say You'll Never

Is it normal for a new blogger to start out quite modestly when it comes to sharing?

Looking back on old posts I see painstakingly written entries that try their best to be as vague as humanly possible. But as time goes on, they begin to really loosen up. I begin to really share truly intimate feelings with who? My computer screen as far as I know. I always just thought this would be a good place to put my thoughts and pictures and opinions on popular culture. Nothing really so much public as just a place for me to be able to say what I wanted about anything at all without being judged or corrected.

And now I worry about 'over'-sharing. I put down private thoughts about relationships and pain I feel without really knowing who reads this sucker. I do the judging and the correcting--of others I interact with and of things I observe. What if I'm losing the ability to say something to someone's face, or even more so, the ability to linger on deeper thoughts without reminding myself to blog about them?

You never see things like this as a problem until someone you would rather didn't know everything about you, finds it out. Not that anyone has or I really care all that much personally, but I do care about the way others might feel, especially if I'm hurting them.

I'm going to experiment with being a little less emotionally personal on certain levels and see if I can get something intellectual out of my writing for a little while. We'll see how this goes...

Just Put It On Shuffle

I hate the way break ups ruin your entire musical library but at the same time, recreate them in an entirely new and different way.

It's not just a few songs. It's every single song that played any time anything even seemingly significant happens. I can't listen to any of my playlists anymore. And when I shuffle, I run the risk of hitting that one song that has just enough sentiment and meaning to push me to tears.

The power that music has in connection with memory is striking. I'll hear a song from years ago, remembering the way I used to play the song over and over, memorizing the words, burning my emotions and mental state into every verse. Once, (this is the nerdiest example I've ever cited) I listened to a song on repeat while I read Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, and today, when I hear the song, I feel the way I felt reading that book.

So sometimes, you have to abandon songs for a while. I always know that someday I will be able to hear these songs again, and remember how they felt, and not hurt. These songs are to an emotional eruption are like when you put hydrogen peroxide on a cut. It burns so damn badly, but you know it's cleansing the wound. So if you're into self punishment, you make a playlist of only those songs and tune in for some abuse.

Sometimes, very rarely, I completely cut the song out of my life. I hear it, remember loving it, and have no interest in it whatsoever. It's been long enough not to wince at the opening chords, but also long enough not to like the song anymore either.

During this time of destruction of an itunes library and an entire top 25, I always look for new music, and even resurrect some oldies. I need to have music in my ears, so I adjust my tunes to my lifestyle. Doesn't everyone?

I found this site today, where individuals can post a mix tape that an ex made them back when they were together, and then tell the story of the relationship and the power the mix tape held for them. You can even listen to the tapes right there.

http://www.cassettefrommyex.com/

Be Careful What You Hope and You Pray For...

I got exactly what I wanted

why does it still hurt so badly?

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

Steppin' Out With My Baby

I feel like writing something, but I'm not sure what.

I've been walking in kind of a daze lately. It's the final week of classes, hell week if you will. It's the week when all professors finally get off their asses and assign a shit load of work in every single class. It's insane.

I've had to 2 two presentations this week, and I have several papers to write and then a few exams. Next week is finals week. WHOO. This semester has gone by much faster than I anticipated!

One of my roommates and B are both graduating the week after that. Then I'm going home to work for a while. I was going to do a photography internship with a really cool photographer here, and still may. The guy just let me know that it wouldn't be a paid internship, which was disheartening because I am in dire need of funds. So I may work with him on and off all summer, but will have another job as well. I wish my business were getting off the ground more...

The funeral last weekend went well, we laughed, we cried-- it was good to spend time with my family. I also had an opportunity to get some great shots of my family-- mainly my brother, I'll post a few at the end of this entry.

Monday night B and I went to dinner with my Aunt. She is in town this week for a bridge tournament with her girlfriends. We went to this steakhouse that I had always wanted to go to but had never been to. I had a chance to tell her all about Vegas and talk about the family. I think she really liked B, and vice versa. I'm glad we went.

The Three Bells

So. After months of wondering "will today be the day he dies?", my dad's father, my grandfather, has passed away. I am home currently for the funeral this weekend. Much like with my great grandmother 2 months ago, I had a gut feeling it would happen this week. I know that he's no longer in pain, so I'm holding it together pretty well. I cried once, while I was laying with B yesterday. It just sort of happened and I wept in his arms for a while.

My best memories of my grandfather from when I was a child are like this. He worked for the United States Postal Service for as long as I can remember. When I was visiting my grandparents in the summer and whatnot, I could expect to see him around lunch time. He would come home from the post office to have lunch. He'd make a sandwhich and have chips and I would join him. Afterward he would always pull out the Blue Bell Strawberry ice cream he had bought just for me. It was our favorite. Then he'd go back to work. In his light blue post office dress shirt.
The only thing that is getting to me is, I didn't get to talk to him again. ugh.

Toothpaste Kisses

I am currently using the last remaining battery in my computer to type this entry. Here are two issues I have. First--my power chord on my laptop isn't charging my computer, at all. So I spent an hour and a half getting a work order put together on the phone with Dell. BUT it the technician won't be here until Tuesday!! Ahafdksjfk. I am angry purely for an academic reason, and not because I'm addicted to the internet culture... :D ha..

Secondly, I find myself angry that I own a laptop. I bought this computer with my money, but I really wanted a desk top, they were cheaper anyway!! But my dad was hellbent on a laptop. "Oh you can take it to class and on campus!" I never do that. I knew I wouldn't either. So whatever. It sits at my desk, always on.

I am just taking out my frustrations of not having a computer for several days. It'll be good for me really. I'll get homework done. EXCEPT FOR MY ADS WHICH HAVE TO BE TYPED UP, but I'll go to the library. Which'll only make me work harder. WHO AM I BECOMING?! I am pretty much one of the laziest people alive. I think this is why B and I are so good together, we're both EXTREMELY LAZY, but have our moments and really get our shit done. I've always been friends with people like that. Except for my roommates. It always hits me hard to see them doing homework every single night when I don't have any. Don't get me wrong, my major is just as busy as theirs, but in spurts. Not this constant roar of homework. I would die.

Hence, in my Leadership, Communication and Civility class, we did some kind of test and figured out whether each class member was more task oriented or people oriented. I came out ahead as a people person, but the tasks weren't far behind. I think that there are people who just don't give a shit, who love people, but get NOTHING done career wise, or soul wise, (well, maybe it does their soul better in a different way..?) But I mean, do these people really get anywhere in life if they don't have at least a little task orientation? And Vice Versa. Granted, there are hardasses out there with no hearts that care only about the job and hate the people. Those people are sad, but successful. So I feel like it's balanced to be a little of both, you know that people are important, but also doing things with people or leading people or getting tasks done is a priority for you too, you know that it better connects you with those people you love.

ANYWAY digression.

Point is, I planned on doing homework this weekend, and it looks like I won't have anything to distract me. But I am lazy, so i'll probably find something, but maybe I'll be lazy for less time.

I'm doing so well though :)

I got some sort of virus this week, that caused a horrible rash all over my body that was like the chicken pox, it was HORRIBLE. It started on my neck and spread over the course of 4 days, until i finally broke down and went to the student health center and got meds. I was miserable. I would wake up in the middle of the night scratching. Toward the end of the week I took benadryl every few hours to stay knocked out enough to not scratch. I felt like I looked horrible too. It wasn't disgusting or anything but it was extremely red and looked like disease haha. But B helped me buy oatmeal bath and Benadryl lotion and kept saying things like "I don't even see it" to make me feel better. And when he caught me scratching he'd stop me and rub it to make, (the doctor said rubbing was better than scratching, SO sign me up. Hopefully it'll still be cleared up by the time he gets home.

Today I spent the day with C, we ate foodz, saw hot boyz, and cruised around. ALSO we went to world of pets or something and looked at animals! I want a snake or a lizard. As long as they don't stink. I've got to hop in the shower, we're going clubbing...