We Think You're A Dope, Shove Your Hope Where it Don't Shine.

I've been looking for some new music, everything seems to bore me. Today I found a girl called Santogold, and I really like what I've heard so far. People accuse her of being a lot like M.I.A., but it's deeper than M.I.A., much more New York. She's underground but she's really been getting attention lately.

I also bought tickets to see Jimmy Eat World in April. I am dying. I could not believe my eyes when the tour schedule had them set to come here. They are in fact, my all-time, die hard favorite band. I haven't seen them since 2003. And they only opened for like...Green Day or some bull shit. Ah yes, it was the Pop Disaster tour. A friend of ours got us tickets on the lawn but we ended up at the front in the pit. As much as I loathe what Green Day has become, they sure can put on a show. I think Blink 182 played too, but they were downright awful. I was all for Jimmy. I suuuuure would love to get them to sign all my stuff, making me the very best product of our consumer society. Their new album, Chase This Light came out this year, I recommend it. My favorite song is one called 23 which is my favorite number. I always like to think of it as 'the day after'. B always talks about what a depressing band they are, and I strongly disagree. I've grown with this band pumping into my ears. Their album Futures was an emotional one, but not depressing. They have this distinctive sound that I can't find anywhere else. It's not whiny and it's eclectic.

I took some 'me' time this weekend. Some serious me time. It had actually been a while for me; I was taking a break. But then I let the stress really get to me, and the release was phenomenal. There also comes a point when you've just spent way too much time with someone. If I had had a choice I would have chilled with my girls, but being across the state makes that impossible. I just needed some time alone, and I spent a lot of time driving around taking pictures, perusing the net for new music, reading, and just laying around. I didn't see my roommates or anything. I hung out with C on Sunday and went to the bar with A. On Saturday night I got a seriously drunk, etc. When I laid down that night, so many thoughts were rushing through my head all at once, I seriously thought my head was going to pop. Sometimes I girl just needs to shop and laugh with her friend. There were also a fair amount of hours spent playing with photoshop. There were some good moments of clarity, and I wish I had come here and gotten more of them down, but I was lazy.

But alas, not enough clarity was attained maybe? (maybe I should spend some more quality time "thinking" alone?) br />
Today as I was doing the crossword, a daily ritual, I was wondering who in the hell has time to create crossword puzzles? And is it someone's dream? Did they wake up one day and say, "I am the laziest person alive but I've got unstoppable logic and a way with puzzles and words, I think I'll live out my life creating crossword puzzles!" I'd like to tell Michael T. Williams, today's crossword creator, thanks. You make classes like Research Methods bearable.

Here, a picture I took this weekend, and an old one of the girls.

Welcome to West Texas

Chicago, Navy Pier, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., bathroom, I wonder what people thought.

In the back of a Chicago police car, best experience ever! hahaa

Softly and Tenderly

My great grandmother died yesterday. I have to fly out tomorrow. It was weird because, all week I've been having this feeling that I needed to go home this weekend.

Here is a portrait I took of her at Christmas.

The Only Thing Constant Was The Constant Reminder She'd Never Change

When I was little, my parents used to make me go play outside on the weekends quite often. Sometimes I may have gone of my own choosing, I can't remember.

Either way, I spent an awful lot of time outside. When you are confined to a dirty, poor neighborhood and can't leave the vicinity of about 3 blocks or so, you make up your own fun.

I knew my street and the ones directly behind and in front of it, and maybe half a mile to the left and right like the back of my hand. I used to pretend that I was exploring and being pursued by some terrible villains and I had to hide in secret places to keep them from finding me. The whole deal. On these journeys I used to collect all kinds of junk. Rocks, broken glass, pieces of old toys, Christmas light bulbs, Shiny metal, buttons, all sorts of shit. I used to take them home and tell my mom they were my treasures. I'm pretty sure she thought it was the grossest thing, me finding and bringing home junk from the allies and keeping it in my room.

So soon after that my I began collecting rocks in a more hobby type of way. I'm sure this was highly encouraged by my parents. I couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 years old. I had pieces of every type of rock imaginable, polished and natural. I had little cases to separate each one and bags to hold them in if I wanted to carry them somewhere.

I used to get together with my best friend Cody, and he and I would compare rocks and play games in his tree house. As a girl, I loathed being friends with girls. I had loved Barbies and playing with hair like a girl should, but I also had a smart mouth, loved sports, art, bugs, animals and boys. The other girls I knew found my sarcasm off-putting (even as a child!) and the idea of me running through a field chasing horned frogs with the boys was even worse. In reality, I only disliked girls at school, because they were catty and prissy, and there had only been boys in my neighborhood and church before. While all the girls slumber parties talking about how much they hated boys, I played with the neighborhood boys and had real fun.

The thing is, once I started actually loving boys, I was still just their best friend. This was a trend that would continue up through high school, only girls didn't like me because I had a close relationship with the boys they dated. With more than a few guys, our friendships ended because they had been given an ultimatum, end the friendship with me or lose her. The funny thing is, each time their relationship would end, the boy would come back and we'd be friends again.

I realize that I was, and always have been, just the next best thing. I'm the one they tell all their hopes, dreams and desires to, I'm a girl they can actually have fun with, and so much more. But I am just a stand-in. An emotional and sometimes physical outlet for them until they find their next girlfriend. And the thing is, with most of them, I end up having feelings for them in some capacity. I stuck with my friend D more than once. He'd break up with one and it would be me that he'd call every single night, my shoulder that he'd cry on, and me he'd go out with. But he began dating a new girl, and I was finished. I thought, I can't handle this anymore. And I haven't gone back.<
As far as collecting junk goes, I would say I have transferred that passion into when I go out and take photographs of random places, things and people that I find beautiful. I can have all of those "treasures" but in a better way. This past weekend I went photo-walking with some friends in a sketchy neighborhood, and it felt just like I was in my first neighborhood again, observing and exploring everything I saw. Here are a few shots from that day:

I'm Ready For It.

I know I've been writing a lot lately. My body is exploding with words dying to get out; I have no other outlet. People think I talk to much, but they don't realize that I never really say anything. It's just meaningless dribble to keep the conversation going. For the sake of what? I don't know. Courtesy, I'm guessing. Maybe if I fill their minds with who I want them to think I am, then they'll never really know the real me. The terror underneath that can't imagine being without them, but can't stand being around them.

What the hell am I doing and what is the point? When do I get to take my shit degree and move on and do something that make my heart beat passionately instead of it's current state--going on because it's too bored to find something else to do. I sit in class on edge waiting for class to end. It's an anxious feeling, like something big is going to happen to me right after class and I can't wait, only there never is anything big.

I want to live in the city, I want to take photographs of anything and everything I find beautiful, I want to do everything I've never done and more. I want to breathe crisp morning air that doesn't smell like the stock yards blowing in from the South. I don't want to hear any more people around me bitching about how hard they have it and how depressed they are. You're depressed because you shut yourself out from the world and drown it in "school work". You're depressed because no one likes sitting alone in a room with their television and computer keeping them company. I just want to be completely IN the world, I want it to envelope me in every way. I know others sadness rubs off on me and I allow myself to succumb to self-pity. Self-loathing is a completely different problem. That's no one's fault but my own. I know I'm beautiful, smart and funny. But something is off. One tiny part of me isn't convinced. It's laughing in my face. Laughing at my ambitions, laughing at my attempts at grace.

How long do I have to wait and think "If I just take shit for a little longer, I can do what I want." Because I am hoping it's when college ends. I know it isn't. How much shit will I take at some Snob ad agency before I feel satisfied.

Who am I angry with? I can't figure it out. I can blame my roommates, my parents, or school. But is it anyone's fault? I feel empty again. You tell me that I'm not. I do feel loved, I do. But it's just...nothing. My mind is getting the best of me.

Once, when I was younger, just once- in a moment of complete absent mindedness or maybe clarity, I dropped a curling iron against my skin on purpose, just to see how long I could stand the pain. It wasn't an act of despair or sadness, it was just something I was curious about. There were a lot of things about life I was trying to understand, and the line between the two concepts of physical and emotional pain seemed fuzzy. I still have the scar to prove it. I tell people I fell asleep and dropped the curling iron, for fear that people would think I was mental for having any wonder.

I have all these plans and goals, and I'm well on my way to getting what I want. I know that I just have to stick to it. So what's the deal?

My dreams lately are nothing but jokes on reality. Dreams that seem so real. I wake up and wonder if they really happened. Those dreams are more haunting that anything else. Are they manifests of my desires or worst fears? I don't want them.

Hit me, where's my quick fix?

The Way We Were...

Isn't it interesting the way different people interpret the same movie? Regardless of the creator's intent or the story-line or anything, it will be interpreted the way each viewer wants to see it. That's magic. That's why films thrive. On the other hand I also believe this is why films that try to shove an opinion down the audience's throats inevitably fails.

It's like a good advertisement. Maybe it suggests something that has been on everyone's mind but no one is willing to speak aloud. Wants, needs, desires, passions, hatred.

Tonight the roommates and I watched The Way We Were. Before anyone gets worked up and thinks "Oh Gosh, another chick-flick?!" I'm not here to get anything about how romantic and wonderful and blah blah this movie is.

I just found it extremely intriguing how each roommate decided what the movie was trying to say, and how it related to each of our own personal lives. You can do this with a lot of movies. Not escapism movies like Box Office blowouts and Superhero sagas, but with some truly well done movies.

An extremely brief loose synopsis of the movie, so as not to include bias before I explain each viewpoint. An so as to further that idea, the imdb synopsis:

Two desperate people have a wonderful romance, but their political views and convictions drive them apart.

OK. I guess that's a little barren. On the chance of fucking up this wonderful thought I had, I'll just go ahead and explain how I saw the movie and move on with the other interpretations, and let them speak for themselves. If you really want to get a feel for this movie, watch it yourself.

SO. Two people, worlds apart, attend the same college. Katie and Hubble. It begins as your typical, nerd loves jock type of story. I believe this is done in order to make the audience comfortable with the familiarity of such a simple beginning plot. Naturally. (An aside. Don't you ever just want to say "DUH" but don't because the word seems so uncouth? but sometimes it's the only thing that will suffice) I digress. So the two people with nothing in common end up getting together. She's touched by his undeniable way with words and (DUH) he's Robert Redford; he's intrigued by her resolve and strength in the face of adverse opinion. She had this wild dynamic that was as intoxicating. Their love become so strong and intertwined that it still stands when everything falls apart. The politics get in the way, the stress and pressure just isn't enough for them to stay together. With all the love they have for one another, it just can't be. That is a horrible thing to watch. He thinks that love should be easier. She thinks she can fix it if she tries hard enough. It's all explained in a line early in the film:

Katie: I don't have the right style for you do I?
Hubbell : No you don't have the right style.
Katie I'll Change.
Hubbell : No don't change you're your own girl, you have your own style.
Katie : But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you?

She was everything he couldn't be and vice versa. She was outspoken, she didn't go along with the grain. He was high class, easy-going, successful. In the end, no one can truly change, and if they had stayed together, their love would destroy them both. You know they love each other still after everything because of the last scene. They meet on the streets of New York and it's not with malice or regret, but with love and friendship. I mean the fucking song talks about only remembering the laughter in the way we were, because the hard times were too bad to think about. They couldn't be together. It had to end that way. OK. I've gone too far! Getting carried away here. Moving on.


My roommate A, could only see what a bastard Hubble was when he cheated on her with his old girlfriend. She got lost in the plot, and kept wondering why Katie didn't just dump Hubble on his ass, and why he even put up with her. She didn't understand the politics of the movie, which really were just a side story to make things tense. She was focused on how rough it was going to be for Katie to raise a child alone in the 60s--a time when, to her, everyone had to be in a nice packaged family where the mom stays home and cooks. She couldn't see that Katie would never be that type of mother anyway, which was part of why the relationship died. Even when Katie met Hubble's new girlfriend at the end, she couldn't understand why Katie handled it so gracefully, instead of going ape shit and refusing to even look at the woman. She wondered why the movie ended so sadly.


The other roommate K, was almost at this same view, but could see that they loved each other very much. She wanted Katie to drop Hubble as well, and move on with her life. She though Katie put up with way too much shit. She concentrated on how she had packed up her entire life and moved to Hollywood to be with Hubble, and he had sacrificed nothing. Although. I would like to say here, that Hubble did compromise as well. He did. It just wouldn't work. Anyway. She saw Katie as this independent woman who didn't need him in her life if he couldn't support her.


The fucking parallels between our own personal lives and the ways we chose to interpret this film are NUTS. I don't mean in the way our lives actually play out so much as the way we feel about life, the way we each think things should work out. I mean. If you've read any of this blog, you can see my unguarded parallels. I like to think I saw this movie the way it was intended. But did I?

I thought about this for a few minutes and decided. SURE. I interpreted it correctly, because it's never meant to be seen one way. Is this what makes it a classic?

I leave with one other good line from the film:

Hubbell Gardner: You think you're easy? Compared to what, the Hundred Years' War?

Toxic Holiday

By now most people's so-called New Years Resolutions are fading slowly and said people are falling back into their usual routine.

I prefer to think that what I have decided to make out of 2008 not as a resolution, but as a mere goal. What I have already begun doing, is something I hope will satisfy my creative needs and set up some connections for my career.

I am currently in the early stages of creating a small photography business. My mom's best friend has her own business, and over Christmas break, she took a look at some portraits I did. She critiqued them for me but really told me that they were professional work and I should think about starting a small local business. Of course I was over the moon and back at this compliment, but laughed it off at the time.

When I came back to school, the idea popped into my head again one night, and I decided to go through with it. The only thing that was holding be back before now was, the idea that as a Advertising major amongst many Photocomm majors, I wouldn't be up to par with those individuals who worked at it day in and day out. It's only my passionate release from the monotony of everyday life. But now I was thinking, sure these other people are studying, but are they actually out there doing anything with it right now? And I've gained quite a bit of experience in classes and experimentation as well, and have the eye for it, so WHY NOT?

So I've started a Web site. Black Ruby Photography. I am currently adding the extra touches to it, which is taking FOREVER and making me seriously consider a HTML class. Also, there are some fliers to design and put up all over town.

I'm going to advertise toward graduating students, graduating high school seniors, engaged couples, and any other location photography.

Today I had a small interview with a local photography shop, where I hope to work part-time until I graduate, furthering my experience with equipment and the owner's knowledge. I'll find out next week whether or not I got the position.

I am going to make something out of this year. I'm 21, and it's time I did something of substance. I can't and won't spend another year lovesick and apathetic. It just makes me feel like a fool a year later. So here I go! Join me on this interesting journey!

One of Us Has to Drive, One of Us Gets to Think

New Years Eve 2007.

Every year the party is completely different from whatever I expect to transpire, no matter how much advanced planning is involved. And it always ends up being fun anyway!

This year, the girls and I had a plan. Usually it's the four of us getting together around 9 or 10 and saying "Allright where are we going?"

The plan was to go to dinner, head to a house party or two, leave early to spend midnight in a club downtown, dancing. After the club we would just go where ever led.

A tip for my future New Years Eve plans, go to the liquor store at least a full day ahead of time. We went, and the place was elbow to elbow. It took us an hour just to buy our drinks.

So after this debacle, we went to Jason's Deli and caught a quick dinner. The it was off to the house party to pre-game. I got to be the designated driver this year, which just meant I had to drink significantly less than the others. Let me tell you, watching people drink everclear drinks while I sip on patron and coke is not bad at all. My experience with Everclear is far from pleasant, and I was determined to do my job as 'DD' anyway. After a few trips to the garage and a few drinking games, everyone was doing well. We were having such a good time, that it was hard to leave when we needed to go to the club.

As we're walking on the porch, our friend M came outside and was upset we were leaving. So we started encircling him and hugging him and embarrassing him with showers of affection. Who knows how long this went on. I am describing this moment because, at this exact same time, a really attractive boy was passing us, going into the party.
For a split second, the name of this boy was in my mind. But I thought, "no way...that can't be him..." So this guy continues to walk in and I begin to lead the girls out toward the car. Once he's inside, behind me K shouts, "WAS THAT JOSH BRUCE!?" It was. I whirled around and concured and we began losing our minds like we were back in high school again. See this guy was a Senior during our sophomore year of high school, and he was the 'it' boy. We were absolutely giddy. Nevermind the fact that we had forgotten he even existed until that moment. And with that, we left the party and headed for the club, anticipating our return and chance to meet him.

We drive downtown and park to find a club. We parked in this shady parking lot that had a police vehicle guarding the entrance. As I pull into the space, this cop begins to pass us. M says, "Oh no, that's a K-9 unit..." And so begins the anxiety. We calmly got out of the car and headed for the club, walking in the opposite direction of the fuzz.

The line for our planned destination for midnight was SO LONG. So to make a long story short, mainly because this has taken me a week to finish this entry, we walked back to the car to find another club that we might spend our new year in and ended up ringing in midnight in the car. It was fun though, we were just glad to be together.

It's decision time. The girls and I decide the best plan of action would be to head back to the party. So we drive back and continue our adventure. Drinking more than anyone should, and smoking more than necessary, it was a night to remember. There was a drinking game at some point that just turned into people sitting around drinking and taking shots. We danced, laughed and took pictures. I vaguely remember a few games of pool, conversations with the high school hottie, and playing with a pet snake. NO, A REAL PET SNAKE.


At about 4 am it was decided we should make our way home. As we drove back, the usual hunger hit, and we made the usual stop at Whataburger. Soon after, we went to G's house, I presume we ate, and then passed out. :)


I have more to write but, later.