Talk, Talk, Talk.

I'm juggling with two different things right now.

I write a lot in this lately. The thing is I talk way too damn much and this helps me to shut the hell up when I'm around people. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but I've been told my entire life that I talk a lot and I've slowly but surely closed up over time. It's not that I feel the need to fill the silence, or tell people what my opinions are, or how they should live their lives--and I don't talk in hope that someone hears what I'm like and finally understands me. I don't know why I ever talk at all. In theory-- the reason I talk is because hearing what I think outloud helps me reason it out logically. In view of that, this thing should be helping me talk about stuff outloud less.

But I won't feel bad because I am an outgoing, social person. I'm funny, cute, and usually pretty easy going about things unless pushed. I like to be involved in activities sometimes, I have a taste for certain kinds of art, and I believe that really knowing a person involves understanding their desires, needs and character. I'm a natural leader, simply because I do talk, I do voice my opinions when I deem it necessary, and I love control. I like to be alone, I like to read, and I love studying anything I can get my hands on concerning the human condition. I'd rather sleep than work any day, but I'm far from lazy. If I don't react to problems the same way everytime, it's not that I don't care it's just that I'm growing. I don't feel like it's arrogant to say any of that, because it's how I feel. It's not necessary for me to say "I'm better than you (in this way or that way)" because we know in what areas you excel further than me and vice versa. There is no need to compete over it, and don't pull me into that because I will, inevitably compete if provoked. If I talk to you it's because I treasure you as a person, and if I don't-- I don't like you very much. Small talk should clue you in. Even that might seem shallow, but I don't owe my depth to people that I don't feel will mesh with me anyway.

The whole idea of being able to talk to someone if I want to makes for friends and relationships that involving people that can sit in perfect silence and be happy knowing they know they can talk to the other but don't have to do so.

This is why I study in Communications. Because it fascinates me in every way. From the way others show emotion through communication to showing it through the lack of communication. Is it also what makes me a woman? Because I like to talk, I like to listen, I like trying to understand human emotions at a very wide range? Television shows and movies have always made the male archetype to be strong and silent, one who doesn't talk about stuff or really care to get into communication. And women are given the chatty, emotionally charged personalities that always badger men into talking more. And because it is a woman's trait it is seen as a fault. a negative characteristic. I even look around today and see that those two principal personas aren't even restricted--just like every other stereotypical icon. Many men and women talk; many don't. Aren't the most successful people the ones who get out there and submit their ideas, and talk and brainstorm with their peers, and have the ability to transmit those ideas to the mass public and have them be received in warm welcome?! We walk around with our ipods blasting, avoiding human contact and communication at all costs. The zombies of our time. No one wants confrontation, arguements, dissent. It's less stressful to walk to class or work without having your space invaded. We don't want people to put us down, we don't want our ideas to be seen as crazy or juvenile. We don't even feel as comfortable talking to someone face to face as we do sitting in front a a computer monitor trading instant messages with another. Is it because we don't have to see their eyes viewing the deepest caverns of our souls when we bear it all out? I personally would rather text message someone than talk to them on the phone and hear their tone of voice-- whether it be agreement or disdain. But even as I prefer this, I see the flaws. Is it that we're failing our potential as human beings or simply evolving in a completely different way? What's so wrong with communication?

I told my friend E yesterday that I thought our generation was teetering on the edge of something huge. I really believe that. Something great is going to happen.

That's all.

On a completely different level; I am not going to feel bad or guilty because I have worked my ass off this summer to make money. It wasn't given to me, and I'm working the way anyone else would. I live on a budget just like every average college student, but I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I do have more money this year than usual, and I there are luxuries that I can afford this time around. And it doesn't make me less empathetic to others situations. In view of that, if I have money and I want to spend it--I sure as hell will. This is the only time I will ever mention this, because I don't need to justify myself.

That's Right!

Do you ever feel like you're walking through a situation "It's a Wonderful Life" style? You know, you're there, you sense everything around you and you know everyone and everything that is happening but no one knows your there, like you don't exist at all?

My friend A drove from Keller to visit me yesterday. She said she really needed to get away and see a friendly face. Believe me I welcome those visits as much as the visitor. We just drove around and talked and caught up, both ecstatic to be living together in the fall.

There is a country song I heard in the car with B while I was in Lbk, something about 'you find out who your friends are'--- oh okay I googled it. Tracy Lawrence- Find Out Who Your Friends Are. Upon hearing this song I commented on how true the lyrics of the song were.

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think "What's in it for me?"

Or "It's way too far"

They just show on upWith their big ol' heart

You find out who your friends are...

Now the country music scene and I have an odd relationship. I think there is a time and place for the genre, and that's during the Summer in Texas. Most of the music just seems so chill and summery. I don't mean pop country. That stuff is shit. I mean real country, driving down a dirt road to the lake with your friends music. I digress. Anyway. B then refers me to another country song called Songs about me by Trace Adkins. In a nutshell it talks about how country music is good because it sings songs about you. whatever.

Point is-- the Tracy Lawrence song is so true. Unsure of who your real friends are? You can figure it out easily. Who calls you without reason, who comes to visit you because they need your company, who will drop whatever they are doing to help you out if you're in trouble. I think deep down we all know who our real friends are. We may not always approve or may think we're looking for something better, but the truth is we've got the best and we don't even realize it.

There are only about 7 people I trust in this capacity, outside of family which isn't my focus here. The people you have to initiate contact with EVERY SINGLE TIME to get any kind of communication going are not your real friends, and if they are- some serious growth is necessary. Just what I think right now.

Wow I really played up the country music today. So in an attempt to make amends, I suggest you listen to Ratatat. The band is phenomenal.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

get ready for a materialistic post.
I like to think I have an original style, but every so often I think--'What if that's just what they want me to think?'
Being an advertising major can really fuck with your social pattern I think. You learn about social theories and media intent and it makes you wonder if we're all just lemmings walking toward the ultimate cliff. Is there ANY original thought or desire? The Bible does say there is nothing new under the sun, but wow. ANYWAY, none of that is my point.

So for about two years or less now, I've wanted to buy or make a handmade quilt for my bed in my apartment. It's just something so personal and original, you know? Well in the fall I am going to begin taking a class with a woman I work at the hospital with on quilting. But this is too long for me to wait, because I move in to the apartment in less than a month and I need bedding. So plan B-- I went to Canton Trade Days (this huge flea market type thing they have the first weekend of every month) to find a quilt. Sadly everything I was found either too dirty to have cleaned or too damaged to repair. So I bought a new quilt from 'Quilt World' in Canton, not entirely handmade, but the only one I've seen like it yet. whoo!

As a result, the past three months have basically been my mother and I shopping around whenever we get the chance for the miscellaneous items (sheets, pillows, a chair, etc). I wanted so badly to find a chair at an antique store that would fit perfectly with my earthy, vintage mental picture I had envisioned. Never found anything under $300, what a joke.

So fast forward to this past Friday. I was standing in line waiting to get my mom and brother the ticket so they could get into the Harry Potter release party later that night and get a reserved copy of the book. I saw Pier 1 and thought I'd check to see what I could find there. Ended up really liking this wide rounded dark wicker chair... but the catalogue listed it at $150. But I figured I'd ask a sales associate about it for shits and giggles. Turns out, this chair was on sale for $40!!! buttt I had to go to another location to get it. rats. So I drive to another Pier 1, and the guy tells me the chair is damaged a little but he'll make a deal. The damage was so minor, I could fix it easily. GUESS HOW MUCH I GOT IT FOR? $15. 10% of the original price. NO JOKE. I almost died.

Another aspect of the room I've been working on and thinking over-- what to do with the walls. I have a GIANT stainless steel kickplate to rough up and paint, and I really wanted to print some of my own stuff and frame it very cleanly. After looking around quite a bit at the wall art, posters, paintings, photos, prints, etc that various stores had to offer, I felt confident that my original plan to frame some of my own work would make the room much more personal than some print. So I picked out some of my favorites, altered the view color ones I liked to Black and White and had them printed. OMG AWESOME. I sound so vain right now, but photography is one of the few things in my life that really appeals to my soul. Some of the photos were good ones of my friends, while others were objects, places, etc. I'm at work right now, but maybe I'll post some of the ones I printed later.

So now I am SUPER excited to move into my new apartment.

Hide and Seek

So many profound discussions held this weekend. G, K, and M all drove home this weekend. On Friday, G and I had a chance to drive out to our lake spot and chill out. Someone should really record these conversations. One thing I wanted to mention here--I asked G why when individuals are questioned about which super human power they would choose to have, Boys usually say mind-reading and girls usually say flight. (This isn't conclusive or anything, just an observation) When I asked G this I knew what her answer would be because it was exactly what I was thinking, because it was a typical IB student cultural answer:

"Because boys are already raised in a patriarchs fashion. They feel like they have already ascended to the top of the ladder, and are in fact kings of their domain. With all of this accomplishment, there is only one thing left to have--to be able to read the minds of his minions and know them in a way no one else can. They also have trouble reading others in a typical social way, so the easiest solution is being able to read their minds with ease. And women--they want to fly because...well you know. They've been held back, told they weren't as good and expected to stay under the rule of man. Flying is the ultimate freedom."

While I immediately pulled out the same answer G did to this seemingly deep question, I find it archaic. I believe that things are changing for us culturally. We're in the middle of a social revolution--how ever slow it might be. Ladies are finding ways to fly despite the inherent challenge; but because my experience is subjective I'm not sure about men just yet. On the one hand you still have the Gaston from Beauty and The Beast persona. The "and don't I deserve the best" assertion. I of course know many boys that would say they would rather have the ability to fly above all other powers. Is this just a small few, or is it an evolving group that realizes the mediocrity of individual life, and understands that one isn't simply born 'on top' because he is male? I think the men that say flying instead of reading minds reveal a confidence and purity of soul that the 'mind reader' could never possess. Just things to think about.

Fast Forward 2 days. Chilling with M in a park by the lake. This is what we all do. Chill by the lake. It's almost cleansing to toke and then just sit by the water. We talked about the importance of spending an ample amount of time with yourself alone. She referenced Thoreau's views on Solitude from Walden

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the
time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and
dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so
companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go
abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."

"We meet at the post-office, and at the sociable, and about the fireside every night; we live thick and are in each other's way, and stumble over one another, and I think that we thus lose some respect for one another. Certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communication."

Cue mental breakthrough. I love to be alone when I need it. Sometimes I see movies alone, I sit by the lake alone, I shop alone, I study alone most of the time; more recently, I blaze alone. Often times when I've had a little too much to drink, I'm known to leave the group without word and go off and sit alone. I realize now the downfall of last semester could be accredited to self. I had no where to go to be alone. After discussing all of this, I told M that this is the reason the 4 girls are so close. We understand the need to be alone and away from people and each other sometimes.

I'll leave with one more question I've been thinking about.

Do we spend so much time and effort trying to create romantic and ideal situations that we never really experience those things? We know what the media considers to be idealistic and romantic, (a beach vacation, first kiss, flowers and dinner) but are those things a sure guarantee that we will be happy if we experience them? What if we just let go and stopped trying to create that perfect fairy tale? Would be be unfathomably happier?

I've a Smile on My Face

I am utterly and completely happy right now.
Please God let this feeling linger for a few days.

My friend HB came home from Tokyo and she, J, and I went to the dollar movie on 50 cent night. We saw twp movies! whoo I love being cheap!

Saw Disturbia and The Invisible. Both were good.

Except for the opening scene of Disturbia. It features a devastating car accident. I'd seen it once before and was still just as shocked the second time.
Why? My greatest fear is being in a horrible car accident.
Why? Because I've had too many friends die in them. 3 years ago J's brother was in an accident with his best friend and he was the driver; his friend John was killed. 1 year ago- Three friends, weeks from graduating died in a car accident after losing control and side-swiping another friend at a turn. The thing that sucked so badly about this was the last time I had seen them was at a New Years Eve party where a speech about living life to the fullest in 2006 was important because you never know how long you have. Today- a guy I knew in middle school was killed in an accident. I've also been in a pretty scary one with my brother once before. Imagine you're driving a yellow bug, lose control and spin 4 times into a tree.
It seems silly to be so afraid, but everyone has irrational fears.

Watching the World Spin

Are your relationships and experiences the most important thing in life?



21 years is a quarter of my life gone by. It seems so long, and yet so short at the same time. Thinking about being 40 seems far away, and remembering the past few years seems so recent. I realize it's merely because I don't know what the next 20 years holds and I'm at this very moment utilizing things I've learned from the past 20.
Last night a guy I used to date and I were talking about Summer the way it used to be. Dangerous ground to touch on with us, because it was during a Summer that we got together. It got me thinking about how I think Summer should be.

As a child, summer was anticipated because it meant no school and plenty of swimming
But inevitably everyone would be bored and ready for school to start after 3 weeks of summer because sitting at home watching t.v. all day is never a child's idea of excitement.

I was trying to think of when this would change for me, and it was--of course- when we all started driving. Summer morphed into a time of constant lounging with friends, movies, the mall--and any and every trouble that we could get in and out of.

Any memorable high school summer memory for me usually includes about 10 of the same old regular kids getting together. One of the guys, B, had the perfect house for gatherings, because it included a movie room, a game room, a pool, and a mother who cooked for everyone all the time. A typical night usually included everyone meeting up at his house and swimming, playing poker, and eating. The night would end with all of us laying upstairs in the movie room talking and laughing. The sad thing about all of those memories is that soon after 'the group' graduated, this guy's parents split up, sold the house we pretty much grew up in, and made things awkward for everyone. I say awkward because the entire group found out they were splitting up at a New Years Eve party our last year there. wow.
Then senior year a select number of the group including myself wanted to branch out and try anything and everything that would get us out of that popular group where everyone is involved in every high school activity possible but it works because they were all friends anyway. See I went to an honors high school. You were a loser if you weren't involved. So you take 2 honors society officers, one drum major, the school mascots, the rebellious sister of the previously mentioned B, and some guys, and the rebellion begins. You name it we tried it. Even a few run ins with the cops. That last summer was like THE last summer. Everyone was still together, we had reached the end of a huge step in life, and we didn't care what anyone thought.


Anyone that tells you that ages 16-18 were the worst time in their life--I really have to disagree. Go back, never. But the experience is necessary.

Summers these past few years have been transitional ones. We're trying to grow up, or we're being forced to pretend we are at least. The first summer after high school was rough for the entire group. Three friends were killed in a horrible car accident, and one was murdered by his father. Death wasn't something we were used to experiencing, discounting the elderly. For most of us, it was a summer of trying hard to live dangerously because we had come face to face with mortality. I think we all spent more time blazed that year as an anti-depressant rather than as a social party time. I have to talk about this as if it were longer ago than 2 or 3 years because it's still influencing me and people I am close to.

Now? We all work somewhere, we're all living in scattered areas, and we all miss the way things were, but we're equally excited for what's to come. Seeing each other the few times that we can seems to make those meetings more important. The girls and I discussed how different we knew this summer apart would be, working through the week and anticipating the next weekend we could get together and feel at home again. Now it's less partying and large groups and more just us--laying in a park, laughing in a car in our old high school parking lot until the cops come and make us leave, or just chilling at a jazz concert. The college atmosphere opens many other doors for summer activity as well. Seeing each other is becoming less of a summer thing and more of a anytime we see each other thing.
Soon summers will be nothing more than hot weather, and two week vacations. It's funny that all through school we hope wait and wish for time to pass and once it has we look back and think "Damn, why did I rush that?" But I am excited for what future summers hold.


wow so much writing here!
21 years is a quarter of a lifetime...

I'm Bouncing Off the Walls Again

So I ordered some books off of Amazon like I planned.

They came in yesterday!

I bought a best seller for the sake of reading with the masses, called Stumbling on Happiness

I also ordered a book about the 60s and 70s called America's Uncivil Wars

I am extremely interested in the American culture of this period. I just want to know how people thought.
I also found out last night that my brother is entering that summer reading phase of his education. WHOO. whatever. He has to read To Kill a Mockingbird. So I go through a huge box of my old books and dig that one out for him to use. Point here is--there are tons of books in that box I may go back and read! Siddhartha, The Stone Angel, Kaffir Boy, Running in the Family, Kokoro, Jubilee, and many more.
I'm having a huge nerd moment.

Three random things:
I am going to use the phrase "Oh For Fuck's Sake!" some.
Shia Lebeouf can marry me any day.
Don't listen to Carrie Underwood unless you want to be overwelmed with a rush of emotion that you forgot you were capable of experiencing. stupid girl.

Selling of a loose knit dream

A good weekend with good friends leaves Em a happy girl!

It was a good weekend. A chance to relax for two days and forget about work.
Shopping, Good Conversation, Good Laughs, Drive-Ins, Movies, Dinners, swimming, running, catching, knitting, playing, driving, resting-- ALL FANTASTIC
I haven't laughed that hard all summer.
Being here and sort of socially cut off from even my best friends has been unique but difficult.
6 more weeks and I can go back for good.
It was what I needed to allow myself to say "It's okay to let go and give up."
I'm just tired. It's not worth the wonder and confusion anymore. To watch someone treat me completely different from what I'm used to is insane. I feel like if I'm going to try and take things in life less seriously, this is a major step. It'll work itself out eventually.
I'm going to step back, concentrate on other things and do what I'm supposed to be doing. And I feel fine about it!

Just let me run where I want to run...

So the week is crawling by.

Thursday night I get to fly to the big lBk for a nice weekend away from home. The question is, is time going by so slowly because I am excited to go or because I am actually dreading the whole thing? Probably a little of both.

For someone who wants to know the truth so badly, I sure have become comfortable in the confusion.

No here's a real prediction: I come home Sunday night even more confused than before and I decide to finally let go.

so I hope that I never end up at a desk job like this for the rest of my life. How monotonous

"What do our heads talk us into doing when our hearts are broken?...or is it
that our heads are broken and the hearts do the talking?"

I'm going to read some books.